Family and Flutters

It's been busy around here with the holidays and kids out of school. I haven't had much time to think about the pregnancy during the day, besides on Christmas day when I had to let all my extended relatives know (mainly my grandparents) that I'm pregnant. I'm obviously showing and I didn't need people coming to their own conclusions. It seems the majority of my family thinks I'm crazy. I honestly think they don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and because they don't understand it they don't want to talk about it. Honestly, I would rather people ask questions, then ignore that I'm pregnant. It's a huge thing in my life and I'm proud to do it, but it feels really lonely when people look at me like I'm a freak and then make pleasant fidgety conversation to distract from the fact that I'm doing something they can't fathom. Sometimes it's lonely being in a family that doesn't understand you. It's almost funny being the "black sheep" when I feel like I'm actually living my life's purpose and calling. I'm just trying to spread love and light and help people see that there are so many ways to give love and create family. I'm so thankful for my chosen family who supports this journey and truly looks me in the eye/looks into my heart while asking me how I'm doing, how the baby is doing. I want to talk about it. I want to feel like every place is a safe place to talk about this journey, but I'm finding, it's not.

In happier news, I felt the baby move for the first time last Sunday! Michelle was shouting at the television while watching football and I had just eaten a cookie and was knitting. First the little one jumped inside, and then I felt it continue dancing like it either really loves football or it had a bit of a sugar buzz from the cookie. Either way, it was so sweet and fun to feel that feeling again. A tiny little life. Growing. Dancing. Inside ME! I quickly sent Lisa and Brooks a text to let them know their baby is an active one. Since then, I've felt those fluttery movements periodically throughout the week.

The Sound Of Galloping Horses

Lisa and Brooks just left this morning. Their visit was brief, but sweet. The first day they were here, I was at a birth from 7am-9:30pm. It was a wonderfully successful birth where baby was born healthy and mama was incredibly empowered. I love the feeling I come away with after these births. So much love and gratitude for life. As well as a deep sense of exhaustion after I've poured my physical, emotional, psychic and spiritual energy into a family to help them birth with ease (as much as possible). It's such a rewarding job though! I adore it. And I also loved coming home to Michelle and my dear friends. 

Monday was a sweet day of ironing out details over a delicious breakfast at Old Town Cafe, and then heading to our first prenatal meeting with the midwife. It was so nice to sit down all together and feel like this whole plan is becoming such a reality and we're all working together is a cohesive, loving way. Catriona (the midwife who met with us) was so patient and willing to spend a little extra time (two hours) for our first visit since there are more of us involved and more questions to delve into. She couldn't find baby's heart beat on the first try and we were pretty disappointed, so an hour later before we headed out the door, I asked if she would check one more time. I didn't want them to travel from so far away to see and hear positive evidence that their baby was growing, and then go home without that special piece we were all looking so forward to. I'm glad I asked, because we heard a strong little heart beat in the high 130's range! Yay, baby!!! It was so thrilling to hear that and feel the joy in the room of all these parents who love this baby and are so excited to watch it grow. I am again in awe of the new way that I'm seeing pregnancy and birth and parenthood, through this process. What a gift for them and a gift for me in furthering my understanding and knowledge for my doula and someday midwifery practice. Catriona also changed my due date by bumping it farther out by two days based on my longer ovulation cycles. Which I don't mind at all! I'd much rather have a later due date and more time to cook this baby until he's ready, then an earlier due date and pressure to get him born sooner. So that mean that technically, Thursdays are the day the weeks turn for the pregnancy. That means I'll be 12 weeks on Thursday, not today...but whatever. There's a baby in there and it'll come when it comes. I won't be interfering with that.

Brooks took a picture of the three of us before they left. Here it is:

We're excited to grow you and eventually meet you little one!

I've Got A Bump

I realize that it has been almost a month since my last post. Rest assured I am healthy and as far as I can tell so is the little bean (Michelle's nickname for baby) aka chickpea (Brooks' nickname for baby). Life has just been incredibly busy for me and for a while I had nothing really to report on the subject. Honestly, I forget half of the time that I'm even pregnant because between my kids, being a good partner, and an amazingly full schedule with my doula business, I rarely have time to think about me or my body, or this little one using my energy to grow it's body. I've attended five births of varying lengths in three weeks, have had all those prenatal and postpartum visits to do as well as acquiring five new clients in that time frame and two more births coming up this month, not to mention the extensive notes I take during these births and then typing them all out (in layman's terms with lots of explanations) for my client's reading pleasure. Yep, I've been a busy pregnant lady and my first trimester is almost over! That flew by.

The nauseated feelings have mostly subsided in the past few days, and I've also gotten more sleep during that time too...so it could be related or it could be that I'll be 11 weeks along in two days and that whole "sickies ending at the 12th week mark" could be true. Here's to hoping! I also bought my first three pregnancy shirts last Sunday as my shirts have started getting shorter and riding up. My pants are also tight and I can no longer button them. I started wearing a rubber band through the loop and around the button on my favorite jeans. We'll see how long that lasts. The pregnancy support hose Lisa bought to help the circulation in my legs are awkward to get on, but feel quite supportive for a couple of hours (before they start slowly riding down my legs). I'm trying to wear them as often as possible, but usually don't wear them all day as I get tired of continually going into the bathroom to try to shimmy them up a make them stay, in vain. Here is a picture of me two days ago. I was out Christmas shopping and noticed my reflection in the bathroom mirror (I don't have a mirror this long at home) and was astonished at how much I am showing. I had to take a picture to send to the intended parents.

Lisa and Brooks have been very supportive, even if physically far away. I feel their love, admiration, and presence with me often. Lisa and I are in contact almost every day. She is working with her lawyer to get all the logistics figured out and have it sent to my lawyer once there is a cohesive contract written up. We also have figured out how I will be compensated if I can't work before or after the birth for a while due to pregnancy or birth complications. Just covering all the "what ifs". We are also trying to finalize the life insurance policy for me, another precaution. I have also joined a gym so that I can stay as fit as possible during pregnancy. My goal is to get at least a one hour cardio workout three to four times a week. It's been a little tough to fit in that many trips so far with my busy schedule, but I've started scheduling in gym time this week to see if that helps. 

Next Monday will be our first midwife appointment. I'm so excited to have Lisa and Brooks here! The four of us, Michelle included, will be going to the appointment and hoping to hear the baby's heart rate for the first time. I know it will be an extra special moment for the expectant parents. I am still so happy I made the choice to help them become parents to this little important person.

Graduation From Bean To Blueberry

I had meant to blog yesterday, and was then called to a birth. Lots of birth doula clients rolling in lately. I love it! Last night's birth was a beautiful hypnobirth in the hospital. Lisa and I were wondering why I may be getting more clients all of a sudden. She mentioned that it must be in part because I have more time and energy for new clients since my boys are both in school now, which also gives me more time to nurture myself and be rested for births. (And now I am texting with another client this morning who thinks she may be in early labor. Funny how births seem to double up.) I was telling Lisa that maybe another reason why more clients are coming to me is because this baby wants to be part of lots of positive birth experiences before its born. Whatever the reasons, I'm thrilled to be called numerous times during the week by potential clients who want to meet me. Maybe someday some of them will come back to me later on with consecutive pregnancies when I'm a midwife? What a fun idea!

The pregnancy has been pretty smooth so far. I'm now seven weeks along. A little nauseousness here and there, and I threw up once a couple mornings ago (which was a first in pregnancy for me), but I saw it as a good sign that I am indeed pregnant with what one website says, "a baby the size of a blueberry". I'm also experiencing some discomfort with some veins in my legs. Mostly just soreness, itching, and hotness. They aren't poking out like varicose veins, but they are visible. Lisa is ordering and shipping me some good pregnancy compression pantyhose this week that should help with that. 

I'm feeling pretty happy and vibrant and enjoying being pregnant again. It's exciting feeling my belly slowly grow again. I laid down the other day and felt around for my uterus to see if I could feel it, and sure enough it is slowly expanding. It's hard to tie my shoes with my jeans buttoned and I can't sleep with my knees tucked up close to my belly because it puts too much pressure on my uterus. It's going to be so amazing and fun to hear the heartbeat when Lisa and Brooks are here. I'm really looking forward to spending time with them.

5 Weeks and Counting

The vacation was so relaxing and perfectly timed. There were plenty of pools I could soak in without getting overheated and they happened to be the pools that mostly other pregnant mamas and kids were in, so I was in good company. The only thing that came up that wasn't so fun was the nauseousness. Ah yes, the morning sickness, which I like to call "anytime" sickness because it can appear out of the blue at any time. So that came and went, it usually didn't stay for more than an hour at a time and I couldn't throw up, just like in my other pregnancies. I just had to wait for it to subside. So I breathed deeply, drank peppermint tea to calm my stomach and went for walks to get fresh air, did yoga in the sanctuary (a beautiful warm yurt with lots of nice meditation pillows and yoga mats) or knitted in the library. The other thing I've noticed is that I'm almost always very warm. At night I'm HOT. It's nice this time of year though, especially since our house is so cold. I'm also a little more tired. But overall I feel healthy and good! I've been making it a point to get good walks in too. Today I'll be walking the two plus miles around Lake Padden with my dog, Forest, and a previous client and her almost three month old baby.

I'm about five and a half weeks along into the pregnancy (which is still so weird to me that 'they' count the two weeks before you are even fertile, or in my case, have sperm in you). Every Tuesday will be my "one more week" mark. Meaning this coming Tuesday I will be six weeks along. I called my midwives and we have our first appointment set for December 18th. I will be 12 weeks on that day and hopefully we'll be able to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time. Lisa and Brooks will be visiting December 15th-18th, so it'll be perfect.We'll get to do a little winter celebrating with them, and lots of pregnancy/baby celebrating.

My doula practice has also been really growing lately and I'm thrilled that I have three due dates this month as well as three next month. I would love to continue with two to four due dates every month until June. It feels like the perfect schedule to me and I love all the pregnancy and birth energy that I now share on a different level with my clients. I'm so honored to help so many amazing, strong, beautiful women find their power and be in abundance and trust around their births. I'm hoping I can get back into doula work pretty quickly after this sweet baby is born. I'm envisioning being able to take clients with August due dates.

Let's have a healthy, positive, and joyful first trimester, little one. In fact, let's just make the whole pregnancy, birth, and postpartum sweet and smooth. I'm calling that in.

The Pea Is In The Pod

We have lift off!!! I'm pregnant! We are pregnant. This little person decided to find a place to grow in me. The adventure has officially begun. Lisa and Brooks were overjoyed when I called this morning from a hotel in Seatac to give them the news bright and early. Michelle and I started our vacation last night (a surprise to her) and are in Portland now, leaving for some hot springs tomorrow morning for a few days. I will be staying in the cooler pools, doing yoga, enjoying a long massage, and meditating while we are there. I am so excited to relax with Michelle and connect with this little person inside me in a new way. We also sent Lisa a picture of the positive pregnancy test, since she hasn't seen one in the 5 plus years they've been wanting and trying for this baby. I hope it warmed her heart and she truly feels like a mama to this baby. She certainly facilitated in helping it get in here.

I called my midwife and let her know that I'd be seeing her soon. She was also very excited at the news and helped me figure out our due date. The due month is the middle of June to the middle of July. A perfect sunny time of year for this little one to join us earthside!

I am overjoyed to be making this huge decision to create an extended family with my friends. This baby is so loved.

Insemication

My four days in Colorado have been named the "insemication" by Michelle. Meaning insemination vacation. Pretty clever. I did fly out there for the purpose of trying to get pregnant through the use of Brooks's fresh sperm this time, but the trip was so much more. It was beautiful, healing, funny, sweet, holistic, spiritual, and connected. I am so blessed to be helping these lovely enlightened people create a baby. And by doing so, growing their family as well as mine. A chosen family of beautiful people. I love what we are doing with this life, right now.

I just flew into Seattle last night and got home late. I didn't want to blog on the trip because I was just enjoying and savoring every minute of it. I will try to recap some highlights though.

On Saturday evening I arrived in Denver and was greeted by darkness, cold, and a little sprinkling of rain. Then I saw the glowing faces of some of my favorite people! Lisa, Brooks, and Eva (Lisa's best friend and talented acupuncturist) had come to pick me up. Such a welcomed sight. We went back to Lisa and Brooks's cozy home where their two happy dogs and the smell of crock pot minestrone soup, greeted us. We enjoyed a lovely dinner and a game of Balderdash after Eva gave me some fertility acupuncture in the guest room (the room I stayed in as well as the intended room for this little baby we are trying to make a body for). The company and connection was sweet. Then it was go time. (The following scenario happened every evening that I was there and then again in the afternoon on Tuesday before I left for the airport.) Brooks and Lisa went up to their room and produced sperm in a cup while I waited in my room across the hall. For this particular evening Eva and Lisa were with me to help figure out this self-insemination process. Lisa brought the cup into my room when they were done and the three of us girls worked to get the sperm into the 10cc syringe. Then I laid on the bed with my hips elevated on a pillow with a towel on top while I helped Lisa guide the syringe inside and as close to my cervix as possible and she emptied it. For the following inseminations I put the syringe in myself and emptied it, but Lisa was with me for all them. It felt really special to have both the intended mama and the birth mother working together each time to get those little swimmers where they needed to go. I think it was also really special for Brooks to feel more a part of it too. The following three inseminations went more smoothly than the first and after the sperm was inside me and I was covered, Brooks and Lisa chatted with me on the bed and we talked to the baby and encouraged him to find his body. (Yes, we think the baby will be a boy.) Lisa also guided us in some angel prayers. Something she learned about in psychic school. The prayers were really calming and sweet. I could just sense the baby there with us so clearly.

Sunday morning Lisa and I went to a mother earth healing/drum circle for women. There was such a sweet, grounded, powerful energy there created by all the women. Beating on a drum in circle was so healing to me. Such sweet vibrations as the sun shone bright in the blue sky. I felt so connected to humanity and the generation of women past, present, and future. It set the tone for this trip. I was blissful, at peace, and open to all the new energy flowing through me. We went on a hike with Brooks and the doggies later that day and enjoyed the beauty of the mountains, sky, autumn leaves turning color, and rolling hills.

Monday we visited Eva in her office in Denver where she hooked me up to the Avatar and told me that based on my results, I have the best scores she has ever seen and I am amazingly healthy. Go me! I am fertile and when this baby is ready to start making it's body, my womb is a healthy place to do so. The validation felt really good. After fertility acupuncture we went out for some very tasty Thai food. I love me some spice! Lisa and I also went out that evening to Shine, a restaurant specializing in very healthy gluten free food and herbal concoctions. I had the Luv-Me-Dew potion. Oh my goodness! It was amazingness in a glass! Cocoa, coconut, raspberry deliciousness. And for dinner some GF ravioli filled with wild mushrooms, tomatoes and goat cheese served on a bed of steamed greens with a butter garlic sauce. YUM!

Tuesday was a taking it easy day. We enjoyed another hike with the doggies, a visit to Whole Foods, and made a delicious kale soup together. 

The trip was so wonderful. I can't wait to see my lovely friends again who I'm creating family with. I really am holding the hope that the baby will decide that now is the time to find a home in me so that he can grow and become a healthy newborn in about 9 months. We are so excited to welcome him (or her) to this big loving family!

How Are Babies Made?

Only a few more days until I'm flying off to Colorado. I'm so excited for the little vacation to a beautiful place to see my lovely friends who feel like family. I think this time spent there will be sweet, fun, and maybe a little interesting as far as the inseminations are concerned. 

It'll be kind of fun to inseminate myself. Such an interesting journey toward getting pregnant. Certainly different, but bringing children into the world can happen in so many different ways! I'm really appreciating family right now. My kids spent the night with me last night and I just savored all the time with them, even though Milo was awake for hours in the middle of the night and just wanted me to sit with him and stroke his hair...I loved all of it. No, missing sleep isn't the greatest, but I'm really seeing more and more that time flies. These kids are growing so fast and I just want to remember all of it. Watch their faces when they tell stories, see them smile, smell their hair when I hug them so tight, listen to the sound of their little voices and laughter. I love them so much. They mean the world to me. I wonder what it will be like to grow this baby we're all trying to conceive and then hardly ever see it. It'll be such a different relationship. But still a very loved little person, by all of us. Such a huge idea to ponder for me and I know that it will slowly unfold more as I experience it all first hand.

I've had a few conversations about how to go about this insemination process. The midwife I've been working with had lots of ideas. Many of which I had already contemplated. Most importantly, she had good pointers on how to get the swimmers up there. I just picked up a few 10cc syringes from her this morning, that I can use to inject the semen up near the cervix...although looking at them now I'm wondering how accurate this will be. There will probably be some awkwardness with these different methods and tools. Don't be surprised, Lisa and Brooks, if you hear me talking to myself, cursing, or laughing at the newness/strangeness/funniness of this situation. There is the syringe method as well as the Instead method. The Instead Softcup is another option for collecting menstrual blood, instead of using a Keeper, Diva cup, sponge, or tampon. However, in this situation I pour the semen into the dip of the Instead, fold it up, like origami, and insert it into my vagina (while lying down) and get it up as close to my cervix as I can without spilling a drop. Um...this sounds like acrobatics to me. And I can totally see this being a hilarious skit (take note Lisa). So I'm thinking I'll need to practice this whole insertion thing with the Instead before I put the sperm in there. I would hate to have it slip out of my hand and bounce across the floor. The goal is not to impregnate the floor. The other idea is that maybe I can use the two different tools in combination. Maybe use the syringe to get the swimmers up there and then put in the Instead cup to hold it all in place while I sleep. In any case, it'll be fun to write about. It would also be really wonderful if through all of this, there could be a baby who starts growing in here. Little person, whoever you are, you are the reason we do all this crazy stuff. You must be one lucky little kid. You picked some pretty cool people to do some funny stunts in order to bring you earthside.

Change Up

Well, that whole "gray area" thing is now black and white, or should I say red? That's right, a late period that came in the evening yesterday, on cycle day 33. WHY!?? I suppose it's best to just keep trusting in the bigger picture of whatever is in control of my cycle. My little ovum that's supposed to meet a special little sperm in it's own time one of these months. Maybe this little being wants to be a particular sign of the zodiac and that sign hasn't come up yet? I don't know. I could probably analyze every tiny thing that I'm doing or not doing, any reason under the sun or moon and come up with 101 ideas...Ahhh yes, the return to surrender. The return to having to trust in the great unknowns in life, in death, in conception. The mystery of it all. Having to just be okay with not knowing it all. 

I was brainstorming this morning (with myself) different ways to go about all of this in the coming ovulation of next month since there's only one vial of sperm left at the sperm bank, and that's not ideal. Brooks is also not really available to come to Seattle this month to donate more. So I had this brilliant idea, that if Lisa and Brooks were up for a little change up in the usual routine, they could fly me out to Colorado instead and we could do some "natural" inseminations with fresh semen. I'm anticipating this will feel more personal and also much different (with probably lots more giggles) than the previous few months of IUIs. They liked the idea, so I will be flying there in a couple weeks and staying for four days, during which we will be enjoying each other's company and doing probably four IVIs. 

I'm looking forward to the change in routine and actually having them feel much more part of the (hopeful) conception process. Also, since we haven't tried inseminating me with fresh sperm yet, the difference may just work. We'll see. I have renewed excitement though, even though I'm currently bleeding and uncomfortable and a little sad that this last time didn't take. I love spending time with these lovely friends though. And I'm really happy we'll get more time together soon!

Gray Area

Ah yes, I'm now in that in-between state of not pregnant and pregnant. I don't know what I am. This is unnerving and a bit annoying, to be honest. I am now at day 31 in my feminine cycle. No signs of bleeding, a long firm cervix, aversion to smells, slight bloating, forgetfulness...signs that I could be newly pregnant, or maybe not. I took a pregnancy test yesterday and it originally looked negative, and then later on I noticed a slight positive line. But it was faint. 

So, in going with the whole theme of trying to conceive this baby, since even before I came into the picture, there will be more waiting.

It's hard to just relax and trust in the process when my future (and everyone else connected to this baby) hangs in the balance. But if there was no mystery to life, I'm sure it would not really be worth living.

I'm guessing I'll only have to wait for one to four more days until I get a clear sign either way. I'm hopeful that this will be the month!

Facing Fears and Saying Yes

The IUIs both went well. The usual midwife/naturopath did the one on Saturday evening, and her new midwife partner did the one last night. She needed someone to practice on, so she can do back-up for IUIs, and apparently I'm a great person to practice on since they both said that I have a beautiful, easy to find, and open/fertile cervix. Yay, me! Nothing like getting compliments on your lady bits.

I'm not going to be using the third vial of sperm this time around. I talked it over with the midwife and she advised that since I got my temperature spike a little earlier this time, it would be a waste to use the third vial. My temperature spike happened on the 5th of this month and the ideal time for it to spike would be about the same day as the LH surge and that didn't happen this month, so she will send the other vial back. 

We wait again. As I wait this time I reflect on some fears that have come up...all things you would expect the birth mother/surrogate to think of at some point. Part of this is probably because I have had months to ponder all of this as we try for a pregnancy. The other thing is I felt really sad and depressed this last time when I wasn't pregnant, and those feelings/fears carried over for a couple weeks. An underlying sadness or realization that birth and death are infinitely connected. That I have this body during this life and I hope I'm using it to the best of my ability. That I could die in childbirth...and then realized maybe more than that I'm wondering if a piece of me will die as I give this baby to my good friends. This baby who is a piece of me. As I watch my boys grow up I wonder, "will this baby look like them? Like me?" The fear of birthing again. The unknown of pregnancy, labor and birth, postpartum. The fear of an emergency c-section when both of my boys were born vaginally. All these realizations about who I am and why I'm doing this and how I haven't broken yet...through everything I've gone through in my life, I'm still here. I'm still empowered. This is still my choice and I'm still choosing it. I want to have this baby for Lisa and Brooks. I want to be on this journey. I want to see how it will change me, make me grow, show me what I can do, what I can give...all this love that I hold. I'm still saying, "Yes."

Have Sperm, Will Travel

It's 7:00pm Friday night. Michelle and I are on our way to a friend's house for dinner. I had just paged the midwife to let her know that I just got a positive LH surge test. And I receive a voice mail minutes later explaining that there was a mix-up and they don't have my sperm. Since the package didn't have my name on it, only the donors name, it wasn't recognized and was sent back to the sperm bank in Seattle.

Okay...so I'm ready for sperm and there's no sperm available. Why does this keep happening? After a long chat on the phone with the midwife, in my friend's living room, we decide that I will call the sperm bank and see if I can pick up the vials in person the next day. All the while Lisa and Brooks are camping and out of cell phone range, so they have no idea what's going on. I text Lisa the short of it just in case, and leave a message for the sperm bank since it's after hours.

The next morning we head down to Seattle after breakfast (after finding out that indeed, I can pick up the little swimmers in person). Once we get there the "gatekeeper", if you will, is running around semi-frantically to get the sperm for us and get a couple of donors settled into their donation rooms. After a short wait she says that she needs to go get the sperm from the cold room. I call Lisa to let her know what's happening since they came down the mountain to have cell phone coverage in order to help us figure out this debacle. We also find out somewhere in there that there is only one vial of sperm that has been found, the other one (the last vial) is floating in the tank and can't be found. We decide to go out for lunch while we wait to see if she can find the other vial. We'd like to go home with two so that we can try two IUIs (as is the usual) this month. The other vial was never found. 

We head home with one vial in a huge tank that looks like a big circumcised penis in our back seat, buckled in. That night (last night) we arrive at the clinic for the IUI. I carry the awkward tank into the lab room and set in down. There on the floor sits another tank. I ask the midwife if she's doing other IUIs this week, assuming it's sperm for someone else. Nope. Sure enough, it's Brooks's sperm. It was never sent back!!! And surprise, it's still good to use! We now have three vials of sperm.

After all of that, the IUI seemed to go really well last night. And we'll do another round tonight. Now I'm debating if we should just go ahead and use that third vial on Monday. Maybe there's a reason to have three?

Patience Takes Practice

Bleeding again. No baby starting to grow. Trying not to loose hope. I know that we really haven't been trying to get me pregnant for that long, but I'm sad. There are so many hopes and dreams riding on what I can provide. On what my body has produced before...babies. A baby. Besides the audible sad "Awww" that escaped from my mouth when I wiped to find blood yesterday, there is the empty feeling in my womb, accompanied by heavy cramping that seems to echo the sadness of not only myself, but Lisa and Brooks. 

I'm knowing more fully each month what it must be like to be Lisa. This wanting so badly to conceive and each month, the empty feeling inside as the bleeding begins and empties out the hopes of the past two weeks. I can see how women who go through this process for years go through a grieving process each cycle of every month and may even feel crazy because of it. The cramping I experience is the physical representation of the spiritual and emotional grief. The roller coaster of trying to make a baby when it's so desperately wanted.

Through all of this, I am still hopeful that the next month or two will produce no bleeding, but instead a positive pregnancy test that sticks. Maybe I just need a little more rest in my days and less stress? Both of my kids with be going to school starting in September and I will have more time to myself in the quiet. Time to take care of my needs and nurture my body. Getting regular meals, exercise, meditation time, and time to work with my clients. The pace should feel a little more predictable and slower. Plus, I'll get to have Kim do the IUIs next month! I adore her and would love to have her be part of the conception.

Okay body...you can start working with my heart now!

How To Complicate An IUI

Two more IUIs down...and we wait again. I have to admit that I missed having the usual midwife do the inseminations. She is out of town, so her back-up ARNP did both IUIs on Friday and Saturday. I was gonna hold back on my honest opinion, since I don't know who reads this, but at the same time I want to chronicle my honest feelings and experience, so here we go. 

I wasn't fond of the back-up. I didn't like her bedside manner and the way she hovered in the room, not giving us privacy while we waited the 15+ minutes for the sperm to swim up farther into my uterus. She asked prying questions and seemed like a micro-manager. She's only the back up! The fill in. She doesn't need to know how I got pregnant the times before, what my understanding with the intended parents is, whether I've "really thought this decision out", and if I think the intended parents will be good parents. And then on the second IUI she insisted on taking my blood pressure even after I asked her why and told her I didn't want her to. It just doesn't make sense! There was no logic to it. In any other situation, whether heterosexual or otherwise, if you were at home and had fresh sperm on hand, and were about to make passionate love or use a turkey baster, your lover wouldn't stop first and say, "Before we continue, I'll need to take your blood pressure."

Maybe it's just that since I've been a doula for so many years and have had my own children and been on this path towards becoming a midwife myself, that I know almost all the midwives in my area and feel that my opinion is respected by them. My own midwives have always given me the space to self-educate and feel empowered enough to say when I want interventions or not and they know that I like my own space. This woman just seems to not operate that way. She felt much more like an intrusive doctor to me. And I suppose some people find comfort in someone else telling them what to do, but not this lady. 

Friday night I experienced a lot of cramping from the IUI, accompanied by bloody mucus coming from my vagina, and cramping in my lower back. This "alternative" way of getting pregnant can be much less comfortable and fun. Fortunately, last night's IUI had no side effects afterward. Also besides the whole blood pressure weirdness, (which by the way, was high the first time she took it because I tensed up at the thought. I hate getting my BP taken. And then she told Michelle and Janet, my friend and acupuncturist, who had been chatting and laughing with me, to settle down and be quiet so she could take it again.The second try it was healthy and normal.) last night was much better. I loved having Janet's support too. She's also a selective doula for certain women, so she has this calming presence that I just adore. She was playing with my hair and kind of massaging my head while I was getting the IUI, which was really nice. 

My body just feels really good. I feel totally ready to be pregnant mentally, physically, and spiritually. I'd also like to be done with all the prep work and just get the show on the road. I know everyone else is feeling this way too. 

I had a little chat with the spermies this morning after doing some yoga/meditation and goddess cards. I told them to choose which one would be this little baby and to make it happen this month because I'm ready to grow.

We're At It Again

Guess who's fertile?! I am. Ovulation keeps coming earlier each month. I was trying to fit in a 9-day Isagenix cleanse to "clean" my body before I tried getting pregnant this month. I only have a couple more days to go, so I suppose I could finish up. I'm treating my body really well, not drinking beer or wine, making sure I'm eating organic and as much fresh fruits and veggies as I can, and drinking lots of water. It feels good to honor my body by being conscious about what I eat, drink, and do. I think the baby will like this little temporary home I'm preparing for it. 

I'm ready to be pregnant now. It seemed like the first few months were practice to feel fully aligned and get it right. So today I happen to have fertility acupuncture with the lovely, Janet Pocsi. And then this evening we'll be doing an IUI. Michelle seems excited about it too. I'm so happy she feels more calm about the whole thing. We're doing really well and happy to take this journey together. It'll be such a huge growing experience for both of us. All of us. 

Okay little baby spirit...let's do this!

Fertile in a Dry Landscape

(Read this as if it was yesterday. Took me two days to complete because of a busy schedule.)

I felt fertile last night. Funny, because I was drained from back to back births (as a doula) spanning three days. After waking up from a long midday nap, and hanging around the house a bit, Michelle and I decided to go to the Sunnyland Stomp; a fun little way to get to know our neighbors and see local artwork in people's backyards. We biked around and enjoyed the sights until 9pm and then biked back home for my ID so we could bike to Kulshan Brewery for a tasty local beer. Before we biked out of our driveway, we kissed and I said, "I feel so fertile right now. If I had the sperm, I think I'd get pregnant tonight!"

And it just so happens that I got a positive LH surge this morning. The first LH test this month since I had been so busy with client's births and away from home. I'm not surprised. I know my body and felt that sensation so strongly...but there's just one problem in this baby-making journey. I need the sperm to be here to make it happen. And it's not. It is "en route", though not technically because it's Sunday and everything is closed. The sperm bank and FedEx. There are no after hours lines to call and get the sperm if you're ovulating and need it NOW. Grrr...who knew sperm was so hard to procure? Maybe it's just specific sperm. I'm sure I could've found one random guy to impregnate me in this 48 hours, but I'm not interested in that, and I'm pretty sure that's not the intention of Brooks and Lisa. So it must have happened for a reason. Ah, yes...the infinite surrender to the "bigger picture". It's incredibly hard sometimes. I can't control my ovulation and it just came a few days earlier than expected, on a Sunday. The sperm won't be here until midday on Tuesday and by that time it'll be too late. They will just have to send it back. Sorry baby batter! You're not needed until next month.

We breathe and we wait. We live our lives, and we prepare for yet another month of hoping everything will align and this little spirit will say, "Yes, now I am ready to come in. Glad you've proven you have so much patience and love for me. Goodness, this group is consistent!" Yes, we are little one.

Lady In Waiting

I am obviously not pregnant. Bleeding, like I woke up to this morning, is not a sign of pregnancy. It's a sign that I'll be taking it very easy today. It immediately made me think of part of a spoken word poem of Ani Difranco's called "My I.Q." :

...when I was 13 years old  

I woke up one morning  

thighs covered in blood  

like a war  

like a warning  

that I live in a breakable takeable body  

an ever increasingly valuable body 

that a woman had come 

in the night to replace me  

deface me...

 

Fortunately I am kid free today, so I was able to get acupuncture and a much needed adjustment at the chiropractor. My C1 was out. No wonder I had been feeling off-balance. Now I sip on Lady In Waiting from Wonderland Tea , my favorite local tea shop. It's got tasty and healing herbs for mama's-to-be, pregnant women, and breastfeeding mothers. And the title of it is perfect for what I'm doing...waiting. Now is not the time for me to be pregnant apparently, so I will wait until it is the right time.

It's interesting to note all of the emotions and thoughts that come and go surrounding this "getting pregnant for someone else" thing. I found myself this morning wondering if I'm allowed to be sad that last months round of IUI's didn't work. And of course the answer is yes, it's allowed. I'm a person with feelings too, even if the end result won't be a baby for me to raise. As I went deeper into those thoughts though I thought, maybe I should become more detached about the whole process and not really care either way. But I can't do that. I'm not built to suppress my reality or anyone else's. And how would that be good for the baby to inhabit a birth mother who is denying her experience or the existence of the child? No, these thoughts don't go further, because these are all things I am not at the core of my being. I believe that all things happen for a purpose and that I am on this surrogacy journey for my friends because I love them and want to create a family with and for them. I can provide them with a baby. I trust this will happen, not in our timing, but eventually. Maybe even this month or next?

Waterfalls

Let me paint a little picture here...It's early in the morning. I've just woken up to my alarm and remember that I told Lisa I would take a pregnancy test first thing (i.e. first morning pee). It's Friday morning, yesterday. I throw on black fleece sweatpants and an orange tank top. Somehow it doesn't seem right to pee on a stick, while on the phone with the mama-to-be, when I'm not somewhat dressed. Not sure why since I'll be laboring naked in front of her one of these days...months away. So I stumble, half-asleep into the bathroom and look into the mirror at my crazy awesome morning hair that's all over the place, and that stupid under-the-skin zit that I can't seem to pop. Obviously buying myself one more minute to hold off on the inevitable call and pee stick result that will tell us the future of not only today, but the coming month and possibly the next year.

I dig under the sink for the box that holds the last pregnancy test and slowly open it. Pulling down my pants, I call Lisa. "Good morning! I'm sitting on the toilet about to pee." She asks if she can call Brooks since he's currently at home and she's visiting family in another state. Just in case we get a positive test result she'd like him to hear the news at the same time that we do. That makes sense, but I ask if I can pee first...not sure I want yet another person listening to me pee. I'm not one of those girls that asks all my friends to come into the bathroom with me, so this is a little vulnerable for me. Michelle wanders into the bathroom too since she wants to be part of the pee party/pregnancy test experience. And now I have stage fright. I giggle nervously saying, I can't pee now and Michelle turns on the faucet and starts singing TLC's "Waterfalls" song. Awesome. Okay, urination has commenced and...now it's over. "You can call Brooks now, Lisa." I say with a smile. I put the test down on the edge of the tub after replacing the cap. Four people waiting for an answer on a little plastic stick. Will the world change? Will Hayley produce the right hormones? Does the future of my friend's family ride on my shoulders in the moment? It sure feels like it. Wow.

Two minutes spent telling stories about something unrelated to the pregnancy while we wait. The test has a negative result. No pregnancy hormones here. Is it too early to test? Possibly. I took the test only ten days after my last IUI. So now we just wait to see if my period comes, and if not, I'll test again in a few days.

I'm actually sad this time around. I think last month it was all happening so fast and things weren't going very smoothly in my relationship, so I was more relaxed in a way and not surprised to not be pregnant because I didn't feel as ready. But this month, things are going better in general and I was feeling pregnant the past four days or so. Food aversions, sensitivity to smells, anytime sickness (my version of morning sickness since it happens really any time and is unpredictable), and once my breasts started tingling like they were filling with milk for no apparent reason. Strange things that don't happen to me normally. Why would this be happening if I wasn't pregnant? I'm confused. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing my body now that I'm ready to get the show on the road. I still believe that this little person will move in to my hospitable womb once it's good and ready, but I gotta say, this kid could be a bit stubborn. It'll be fun to see what their personality is like. It seems easier to find humor in the situation when you have an unborn child (even one that's not yet conceived) to blame the situation on. It's not my body, or Lisa's, or Brooks's...it's that unborn kid! Already exercising it's right to show up whenever it pleases. Making us earthlings wait, just for fun. Hahaha...smart little baby. Okay, you've got our attention. We wait on you, my dear.

The Second Go Around

I thought my cycle was getting pretty predictable. That seemed to be true, until my ovulation decided to come a few days later than expected. My temperatures were confusing me and staying low, my fertile mucus was decidedly un-fertile, but my cervix seemed to be getting softer. What did all of this mean? Then I woke last Saturday feeling strange and maybe...nauseous? After some debate with Michelle about what it could mean, after taking the LH surge test and having it be negative yet again, I decided I would take a pregnancy test again. Just in case I was one of those women who happened to have a period even after conceiving. The test came back negative. Grr...waiting on my own body is not nearly as easy as trusting and waiting on some other woman's body while supporting her as her doula. Maybe yet another way I can learn and grow, becoming more patient with myself. Giving myself the same kind of love and nurturing I extend to my clients. What a novel idea! 

There was more waiting and patience building in my future. As well as the 10,000 other people who are connected to this pregnancy. (That reference is for you, Lisa.) And apparently, once I realized this lesson my body kicked into fertile gear, so to speak. I realize too, that this blog may be TMI for some people, so if you haven't already been offended by my graphic descriptions of "lady-stuff", keep reading...you've been forewarned. So as I was saying...patience is a virtue and all that, and Sunday morning I awoke to extreme wetness. Almost as if I had wet the bed (I feel for you guys getting wet dreams). Apparently, ladies get wet dreams too. Although I have no idea what I was dreaming of. But I was dripping wet, feeling very frisky, and low and behold, the smiley face on the LH surge test strip had finally arrived! Hello smiley face! It's so good to see you. You've made me smile too. Becoming fertile once a month IS an exciting thing! At least it felt like it was in that moment.

Monday and Tuesday were insemination days. Tuesday morning my lovely friend Sarah, accompanied me to the IUI appointment. It went alright, beside the strange sensation of having a small straw slide up my cervix and into my uterus. Also, the rest of that day was spent feeling crampy. Like period cramps in my cervix and lower uterus. Probably because it's not everyday I have a straw with sperm inside of it, inserted into my nether regions, and my body was saying "What's going on here?". I also experienced some light spotting because the straw had broken some capillaries in my cervix. Not that uncommon, but also not helping the cramping feelings, I'm sure. 

The second day we did an evening insemination, because at our morning scheduled time the midwife was at a birth. Births always take priority for midwives (and doulas). I get this concept, so it wasn't a big deal to schedule it for 6:30 in the evening instead. Michelle decided to join me for this insemination since she didn't have to work at that time and she was a good support. I was nervous that this insemination would hurt or have more side effects than the day before since my cervix seemed to be less open and harder to me. The midwife said it looked beautiful though and she was able to insert it without me feeling it. The procedure was probably the fastest yet and I had no cramping afterward. This made me quite happy.

And now, we wait. Last night I asked Michelle to go on a nice long hilly bike ride with me. We rode about 18 miles past a lake, up in the hills, and then back down next to the bay. What a beautiful ride! I've decided that for as long as physically possible, I will keep riding my bike during pregnancy. It just makes me feel so centered, happy, and healthy. It really clears my head and make me feel more present and alive. It gives me that "I'm in my body right now" feeling. I'm also thinking I'll be training for the Tour de Whatcom http://tourdewhatcom.com/index.html at the end of next month. If I have a ride I'm training for then I'm much more disciplined about riding more and getting the exercise my body needs. I learned this from last years experience training for the Seattle to Portland ride. What an amazing adventure that was! I'll be taking it much easier on myself this year though, by doing the 50 mile one day ride, instead of  the 204 miles in two days I completed last summer. 50 miles seems doable (and not too crazy) for a newly pregnant or newly inseminated woman to do. It probably depends on who you ask though, as with anything else.

Temperatures, Surges, and Mucus, Oh My!

Fertility charting is interesting business. Meaning that at first it was kind of cool to know so much information about me and my cycle, and now after a few months of it, I'm annoyed. I've found that in the past week I've become quite grumpy when I wake up. Probably the first reason is because I really enjoy sleeping. Waking up to an alarm now not only means getting ready for the day, but immediately sticking a basal body temperature thermometer in my "hooha" (as Michelle calls it) and waiting for the beeping to tell me something about my ovulation. Then I chart that number and make my way to the bathroom to pee on a stick that tells me if I'm having an LH surge or not. While I'm waiting for those results, I stand up and check my cervical mucus and the location/feel/opening of my cervix. After that I wash my hands, enjoying the feel of the warm water and quiet for a minute. Then I wander back into the bedroom sleepy-eyed, with all the scientific data I have collected and write it down on my fertility chart. In my opinion, that's a lot to do to yourself every morning when you're half asleep. It certainly takes the sexiness out of baby making...so mission accomplished! 

All this to say, I feel for you. All of you other women out there who have gone through the charting, the months (maybe years) of very consciously planning for a baby you have wanted so badly. Badly enough to chart your cycle religiously and become at times what may feel like a science experiment. Everyone looking at you with a questioning expression, "Has it happened yet?", "Are you ovulating, pregnant, experiencing fertile mucus, (fill in the blank)?" I get it. The feeling of being a test subject is not always so fun. I take comfort in the fact that I must not be the only one trying to get pregnant in this way. I'm not the only surrogate to ever be and I'm not the only person waking up to this new routine every morning.

I seem to be very near my next LH surge. In the past two months when I have gone in for fertility acupuncture (around my predicted ovulation time) with the lovely and very knowledgeable Janet Pocsi http://www.facebook.com/pages/Janet-Pocsi-Acupuncture/124877274198682, I have gotten my LH surge either the same day or the next morning. I have an acupuncture appointment this morning. I am planning to really use that time to relax on the table and breathe away any stress that has come up in the past month. Based on all my other signs, I'm going to guess that I'll get that little smiley face on the stick tomorrow morning and somehow, that will make all of the charting worth it. There's just something about that smiley face.

To Be or Not To Be (Pregnant)

It seems that when most heterosexual couples get pregnant it is either by surprise or not widely publicized when copulation happened for a hopeful intended pregnancy. For some, this way of getting pregnant may even seem old fashioned, especially once you've entered into alternative methods to achieve a pregnancy. Personally, I have never had anyone ask me if I was pregnant yet, if I'd taken a pregnancy test yet, if I was "feeling pregnant", etc...until this past month. And for those who have asked, or who are reading this blog (obviously you'd want to know), I am not. My monthly flow has returned once again, so it's back to the drawing board, or more literally - back to bed with cramps. 

We are planning to amp up the charting factor this month by adding in the tracking of my BBT (basal body temperature) to make sure it aligns with my LH surge. Hopefully this will give us a positive sign more quickly, but I trust it will all happen in its intended perfect timing. I was a little sad to see a faint negative line when I took a pregnancy test a few days ago, while on the phone with Lisa, but we had decided that maybe it was too soon for a result. We'd wait and see if my period came. And it did. I wasn't surprised. I didn't really "feel" pregnant. There was just a lot of excitement around it.

My thought was that this baby wasn't ready to come inhabit my body yet. It was waiting in the wings and watching as Michelle and I were figuring out our relationship dynamic and trying to get our individual and collective needs met (aka arguing and feeling insecure). Now things have settled in the last few days and feel much better. We both knew this surrogacy would bring up a lot of beliefs and feelings and things to heal. We both agree we are committed to each other and working it out together, but that doesn't mean it will be easy. Having said that, I am hopeful that this next round of IUIs will be followed with much more harmony in my personal life. This whole process is a big surrender to an even bigger picture. One that I probably can't fully fathom yet. But what an amazing life it's been so far. Why not grow a little more (in more ways than one)!? Hehe

Little Swimmers

The first IUI (intrauterine insemination) day on Friday, didn't seem to affect me much. Besides these few thoughts 1)This was a new experience for me, so I was slightly nervous. 2) I hadn't had any sperm in me in years (so it felt like a strange foreign substance for a few hours). 3) I was worried about how supportive my partner would be since she didn't seem very excited that it was my first insemination and she didn't come along with Lisa and I (because she had to work), but she also didn't call or text to say good luck. Hmmm... However, judging by Lisa's post on her blog http://spiritualsurrogacyblog.com/ that day, it was clear that I was not the one feeling the fear or worry about what this could mean if I actually got pregnant. No. That came the day after. 

Saturday morning was okay. I enjoyed a filling, healthy breakfast at Old Town with Michelle, Lisa, and my oldest son, Milo. And later on knitted in the sunshine on my porch waiting for Milo's dad to pick him up so the boys could all enjoy the library and I could get to the midwife's office with Lisa and Michelle. I felt like I really had to push to get Michelle to come along with us, but it was very important to me to have her see what I was going through and to have her physically and emotionally support me through this process. I didn't really understand why she didn't want to come along, other than that she said she always thought we'd get pregnant like that when we had a baby. And my thought was, "Sure! WHEN we want to have a baby together, to raise, that's what we'll do." We hadn't talked about having a baby together NOW, so I supposed she had separated those two things in her mind, like I have. Apparently not, and being at this appointment made her feel very uncomfortable. Which was hard for me to see since I so badly wanted her full support and presence there with me. 

The procedure went fine. Quicker than the day before. Lisa took a picture of me smiling with a thumbs up while I spent the 15 minutes with my legs in the air letting the little swimmers aim for their target. 

I was having that elated feeling again...but there was something more. A sudden realization that this could be the month. Here we were, preparing for a few months worth of IUIs, when this month could be the only one needed. And then I would slowly watch my belly grow, and at some point feel movement, and talk to it, and realize this baby was more connected to me than I could imagine right now. This baby had my DNA, my love, my womb to call home. Then we started talking about what the due date would be if I got pregnant this month. The midwife got out her little EDD dial and said, "February 8th!" Interesting, since when the idea first came I had mentioned to Michelle that I had a feeling the baby would be an Aquarius, like me. It all became huge. I knew it was huge before, but at that point I wasn't laying on a table with sperm in my body searching for my egg. 


Next we started talking about ultrasounds (I had chosen not to have any during my pregnancy with Felix). Since this baby is for someone else, they get to make a lot the final decisions on what happens, and I trust them since they are my good friends. However, when Lisa said she would like to have one ultrasound to make sure the baby is okay and to find out the sex so she could decorate for it, I got this sinking feeling. I would have to see the baby before birth. Bonding. I know that I'll bond, but I felt so vulnerable thinking about it. A thought crossed my mind...I could just plug my ears and close my eyes during the ultrasound. But that would be crazy, right? Why was I so worried? Knowing the sex would make me think about the baby in possibly more concrete terms. Not just this moving being, this spirit with a body inside me. It would be baby so and so. A boy. A girl...a person to see on a monitor. A baby to coo at. It was an overwhelming thought. I held in my tears until I got home. They didn't last long. 


And I'm okay. It'll all be okay. I am looking forward to this journey AND it's okay for me to have a range of fears and emotions come up. I express them, and move on. By talking them out, I give them a voice and feel that I can heal them and be known by the people I love most.

In The Beginning

Today was a long day. It was also one of the biggest days of my life. The first insemination day. In how many? I'm not sure. I know we'll do another one tomorrow since the midwife/naturopath always does two inseminations per cycle, but this month, may be the only one we need. I'm not counting on it though. It's like everything else in life (and especially pregnancy and birth) the "wait and see", the patience for an outcome...So we wait.

There were so many feelings and emotions today. All this talk, all this planning, and waiting and wondering and then before I knew it my legs were up in the air, hips tilted, laying on the exam table, looking over at Lisa with a huge silly grin on my face as Brooks' sperm were (hopefully) swimming up to find my egg. Crazy. Awesome. Our idea was happening. This little being could be finding a little short term home inside of me. Okay! Now we wait some more.

The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

The dreams started weeks before she called. This very strong feeling in waking life, that my body wanted to become pregnant, to carry and nurture another life. The issue though, was that logically, I didn't want another child to raise. Not right now. Milo (8) and Felix (5) are my intended children who provide me with plenty to take care of. I love them deeply and am very dedicated to their growth and happiness. My life is full and the thought of raising another child right now was not a puzzle piece that fit, so it must be something else. These dreams were evolving. First just pregnancy dreams. I was just pregnant, or could feel a little being inside of me and then a couple of nights before Lisa called, a much more vivid dream came upon me. I had just given birth to a child. A beautiful homebirth of a healthy, vivacious baby. But this baby was not intended to be mine. I loved the baby, had nurtured it in my womb, given a spirit the life it had chosen here, on earth, and this baby was not mine. Sure genetically it was tied to me. My heart, my body loved this child, but it was planned for, meant for another family to raise. In this dream, the baby was about three weeks old. I was breastfeeding it on a park bench with a very close friend by my side, though I couldn't make out her face. The sun was shining and we were watching my boys play. A woman I didn't know came up to me and remarked on how beautiful my baby was. I said thank you, and then tried to tell her about how it was, but wasn't my baby, as I unlatched the nursing infant from my breast and placed it in my friend's arms. It's her baby. This little one I had given birth to was never intended for me, besides to provide it with a home inside me for a while; to grow and then go to a couple who have wanted a baby so badly and have been trying for years to conceive. 

When Lisa called I knew it would be about a baby, a pregnancy. And I knew she'd have a question for me, but I wasn't sure exactly what the question would be. As I listen, I hear that she and Brooks are at the end of their rope. They've tried for years now and they have started talking about other options for having a child. They both feel that I am the best choice for a birth mother, a surrogate. She said they didn't want to go through all the drugs to try to harvest her eggs, to get me to ovulate at the right time, etc. But had decided that if I had a “yes” around it, they would like to inseminate me, using my egg, when I was naturally ovulating. They wanted to use the IUI procedure and start the process as soon as I was ready. I had goosebumps during our whole conversation. An undeniable “yes” kept coming up for me. 

It took a couple weeks of chatting with other friends and family about this huge decision, getting various responses, and going through some fears of my own, and others, before I came back up to the surface with my “yes”. Brooks and Lisa also flew me out to Colorado from Northwest Washington with my partner, Michelle, so that the four of us could talk over this huge life changing decision in person. It felt perfect to be there. Divinely orchestrated and part of something much bigger than all of us. This baby wants to be born into a big family. We are all helping create a larger community. The family structure of the future. Integrated family that has a big love for each other and is tied by so much more than DNA. Lisa and I had talked about how this baby is not “yours” or “mine”, it's everybody's baby. It will be raised by a village of people who love it and want to see it grow and follow it's heart. 

I am honored to be asked such a question. To be trusted so much, as to carry a baby intended for a family states away from me. And even though the physical distance is far, I feel that our hearts, our spirits, are so close. We are connected. It is part of our journey during this life. This little being will be bringing us together for the rest of our lives. I'm ready to build a family with and for my wonderful friends, Lisa and Brooks. I'm ready to have this pregnancy grow my relationship with Michelle and my own two children. I'm ready to see what new doula clients this experience will bring to me. I'm ready with heart open and arms spread out wide, to be a vessel of love, a bright light, that is continuing on my divine path and trusting that all with be taken care of in due time. I'm ready. 

Let's make a baby!