Little Swimmers

The first IUI (intrauterine insemination) day on Friday, didn't seem to affect me much. Besides these few thoughts 1)This was a new experience for me, so I was slightly nervous. 2) I hadn't had any sperm in me in years (so it felt like a strange foreign substance for a few hours). 3) I was worried about how supportive my partner would be since she didn't seem very excited that it was my first insemination and she didn't come along with Lisa and I (because she had to work), but she also didn't call or text to say good luck. Hmmm... However, judging by Lisa's post on her blog http://spiritualsurrogacyblog.com/ that day, it was clear that I was not the one feeling the fear or worry about what this could mean if I actually got pregnant. No. That came the day after. 

Saturday morning was okay. I enjoyed a filling, healthy breakfast at Old Town with Michelle, Lisa, and my oldest son, Milo. And later on knitted in the sunshine on my porch waiting for Milo's dad to pick him up so the boys could all enjoy the library and I could get to the midwife's office with Lisa and Michelle. I felt like I really had to push to get Michelle to come along with us, but it was very important to me to have her see what I was going through and to have her physically and emotionally support me through this process. I didn't really understand why she didn't want to come along, other than that she said she always thought we'd get pregnant like that when we had a baby. And my thought was, "Sure! WHEN we want to have a baby together, to raise, that's what we'll do." We hadn't talked about having a baby together NOW, so I supposed she had separated those two things in her mind, like I have. Apparently not, and being at this appointment made her feel very uncomfortable. Which was hard for me to see since I so badly wanted her full support and presence there with me. 

The procedure went fine. Quicker than the day before. Lisa took a picture of me smiling with a thumbs up while I spent the 15 minutes with my legs in the air letting the little swimmers aim for their target. 

I was having that elated feeling again...but there was something more. A sudden realization that this could be the month. Here we were, preparing for a few months worth of IUIs, when this month could be the only one needed. And then I would slowly watch my belly grow, and at some point feel movement, and talk to it, and realize this baby was more connected to me than I could imagine right now. This baby had my DNA, my love, my womb to call home. Then we started talking about what the due date would be if I got pregnant this month. The midwife got out her little EDD dial and said, "February 8th!" Interesting, since when the idea first came I had mentioned to Michelle that I had a feeling the baby would be an Aquarius, like me. It all became huge. I knew it was huge before, but at that point I wasn't laying on a table with sperm in my body searching for my egg. 


Next we started talking about ultrasounds (I had chosen not to have any during my pregnancy with Felix). Since this baby is for someone else, they get to make a lot the final decisions on what happens, and I trust them since they are my good friends. However, when Lisa said she would like to have one ultrasound to make sure the baby is okay and to find out the sex so she could decorate for it, I got this sinking feeling. I would have to see the baby before birth. Bonding. I know that I'll bond, but I felt so vulnerable thinking about it. A thought crossed my mind...I could just plug my ears and close my eyes during the ultrasound. But that would be crazy, right? Why was I so worried? Knowing the sex would make me think about the baby in possibly more concrete terms. Not just this moving being, this spirit with a body inside me. It would be baby so and so. A boy. A girl...a person to see on a monitor. A baby to coo at. It was an overwhelming thought. I held in my tears until I got home. They didn't last long. 


And I'm okay. It'll all be okay. I am looking forward to this journey AND it's okay for me to have a range of fears and emotions come up. I express them, and move on. By talking them out, I give them a voice and feel that I can heal them and be known by the people I love most.

In The Beginning

Today was a long day. It was also one of the biggest days of my life. The first insemination day. In how many? I'm not sure. I know we'll do another one tomorrow since the midwife/naturopath always does two inseminations per cycle, but this month, may be the only one we need. I'm not counting on it though. It's like everything else in life (and especially pregnancy and birth) the "wait and see", the patience for an outcome...So we wait.

There were so many feelings and emotions today. All this talk, all this planning, and waiting and wondering and then before I knew it my legs were up in the air, hips tilted, laying on the exam table, looking over at Lisa with a huge silly grin on my face as Brooks' sperm were (hopefully) swimming up to find my egg. Crazy. Awesome. Our idea was happening. This little being could be finding a little short term home inside of me. Okay! Now we wait some more.

The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

The dreams started weeks before she called. This very strong feeling in waking life, that my body wanted to become pregnant, to carry and nurture another life. The issue though, was that logically, I didn't want another child to raise. Not right now. Milo (8) and Felix (5) are my intended children who provide me with plenty to take care of. I love them deeply and am very dedicated to their growth and happiness. My life is full and the thought of raising another child right now was not a puzzle piece that fit, so it must be something else. These dreams were evolving. First just pregnancy dreams. I was just pregnant, or could feel a little being inside of me and then a couple of nights before Lisa called, a much more vivid dream came upon me. I had just given birth to a child. A beautiful homebirth of a healthy, vivacious baby. But this baby was not intended to be mine. I loved the baby, had nurtured it in my womb, given a spirit the life it had chosen here, on earth, and this baby was not mine. Sure genetically it was tied to me. My heart, my body loved this child, but it was planned for, meant for another family to raise. In this dream, the baby was about three weeks old. I was breastfeeding it on a park bench with a very close friend by my side, though I couldn't make out her face. The sun was shining and we were watching my boys play. A woman I didn't know came up to me and remarked on how beautiful my baby was. I said thank you, and then tried to tell her about how it was, but wasn't my baby, as I unlatched the nursing infant from my breast and placed it in my friend's arms. It's her baby. This little one I had given birth to was never intended for me, besides to provide it with a home inside me for a while; to grow and then go to a couple who have wanted a baby so badly and have been trying for years to conceive. 

When Lisa called I knew it would be about a baby, a pregnancy. And I knew she'd have a question for me, but I wasn't sure exactly what the question would be. As I listen, I hear that she and Brooks are at the end of their rope. They've tried for years now and they have started talking about other options for having a child. They both feel that I am the best choice for a birth mother, a surrogate. She said they didn't want to go through all the drugs to try to harvest her eggs, to get me to ovulate at the right time, etc. But had decided that if I had a “yes” around it, they would like to inseminate me, using my egg, when I was naturally ovulating. They wanted to use the IUI procedure and start the process as soon as I was ready. I had goosebumps during our whole conversation. An undeniable “yes” kept coming up for me. 

It took a couple weeks of chatting with other friends and family about this huge decision, getting various responses, and going through some fears of my own, and others, before I came back up to the surface with my “yes”. Brooks and Lisa also flew me out to Colorado from Northwest Washington with my partner, Michelle, so that the four of us could talk over this huge life changing decision in person. It felt perfect to be there. Divinely orchestrated and part of something much bigger than all of us. This baby wants to be born into a big family. We are all helping create a larger community. The family structure of the future. Integrated family that has a big love for each other and is tied by so much more than DNA. Lisa and I had talked about how this baby is not “yours” or “mine”, it's everybody's baby. It will be raised by a village of people who love it and want to see it grow and follow it's heart. 

I am honored to be asked such a question. To be trusted so much, as to carry a baby intended for a family states away from me. And even though the physical distance is far, I feel that our hearts, our spirits, are so close. We are connected. It is part of our journey during this life. This little being will be bringing us together for the rest of our lives. I'm ready to build a family with and for my wonderful friends, Lisa and Brooks. I'm ready to have this pregnancy grow my relationship with Michelle and my own two children. I'm ready to see what new doula clients this experience will bring to me. I'm ready with heart open and arms spread out wide, to be a vessel of love, a bright light, that is continuing on my divine path and trusting that all with be taken care of in due time. I'm ready. 

Let's make a baby!