Changing, changing, changing. My body, my belly, my state of mind at times...life. This journey of traditional surrogacy has taken me to new places. Many of them in my mind. Explorations on what it means to be pregnant with a baby, with the idea of a baby, the physical, emotional and spiritual sides of such. I've found myself as of late, trying to decipher what I've learned throughout my years as a mother and doula, through my years of working with birthing families and all I've taught about bonding and the importance of it, and wondering what applies now, in this situation. Obviously, the babies needs are still the same. So if that is true, in some way aren't the biological mother's needs also the same? At least in some capacity? If I say "no", that feels like a betrayal of a part of me. I'm not saying I want to keep this baby (or any baby for that matter). In my head it's still the same. I have so many feelings about what I'm doing for my dear friends, and feeling a strong sense of "rightness" and a deep love for this baby is part of that. I want this sweet little person to go to Lisa and Brooks so they can raise the child they have longed for. It's a need that I personally, no longer have. Which is why I said yes to being their surrogate in the first place. I love Milo and Felix and can't imagine having another child be part of our daily life. They are my kids. And this one is a kid for someone else, yet still very much a part of me. I am thankful that this arrangement we've made means that we get to see this kid grow and that it will know where it came from and why. I'm glad we are all honest with each other and that I'm keeping this blog to record my feelings and thoughts. This experience is incredibly part of who I am and it's making me grow at a rapid pace. It's opening me to news ways of thinking. But back to the needs of the biological mother after birth...It would stand to reason that (in my personal experience at least) I should have a slowly "letting go" phase after the baby is born. Physiologically both the baby's body and my body won't understand what's happening, even though my head does. It seems that in any circumstance where someone is "saying goodbye" so to speak, in such a profound way, that that time needs to be honored and taken slowly so all that needs to be expressed can be. I think if everything happened in a 24 hour whirlwind after the birth, I would be much more devastated. The best way I can put it is that not only will my body need to heal from the birth, but my heart will have to go through the process of letting go too. It will be emotional. It will be bittersweet. It will be rewarding. It will be completely worth it.
We leave for Seattle tomorrow afternoon to stay in a hotel so that we can get up before dawn Thursday morning and catch a plane to Colorado. A five day journey to visit the lucky parents for this very loved baby. We'll be having our first (and probably only) ultrasound while we are there to see the baby and have the requisite screening, but not to find out the gender. Lisa also has planned a baby shower/baby blessing for while we're there and it sounds like we'll be part of another intuitive reading to bring out any fears and/or healing that needs to happen between the four adults before the baby is born. It should be enlightening. I'm looking forward to seeing Brooks and Lisa and having them feel more connected to the pregnancy and the baby. It's such a huge life-altering existence for me right now, and sometimes I feel quite lonely in it, so it'll be nice to spend time with the two people I'm doing this for. I love them very much.
