Change Up

Well, that whole "gray area" thing is now black and white, or should I say red? That's right, a late period that came in the evening yesterday, on cycle day 33. WHY!?? I suppose it's best to just keep trusting in the bigger picture of whatever is in control of my cycle. My little ovum that's supposed to meet a special little sperm in it's own time one of these months. Maybe this little being wants to be a particular sign of the zodiac and that sign hasn't come up yet? I don't know. I could probably analyze every tiny thing that I'm doing or not doing, any reason under the sun or moon and come up with 101 ideas...Ahhh yes, the return to surrender. The return to having to trust in the great unknowns in life, in death, in conception. The mystery of it all. Having to just be okay with not knowing it all. 

I was brainstorming this morning (with myself) different ways to go about all of this in the coming ovulation of next month since there's only one vial of sperm left at the sperm bank, and that's not ideal. Brooks is also not really available to come to Seattle this month to donate more. So I had this brilliant idea, that if Lisa and Brooks were up for a little change up in the usual routine, they could fly me out to Colorado instead and we could do some "natural" inseminations with fresh semen. I'm anticipating this will feel more personal and also much different (with probably lots more giggles) than the previous few months of IUIs. They liked the idea, so I will be flying there in a couple weeks and staying for four days, during which we will be enjoying each other's company and doing probably four IVIs. 

I'm looking forward to the change in routine and actually having them feel much more part of the (hopeful) conception process. Also, since we haven't tried inseminating me with fresh sperm yet, the difference may just work. We'll see. I have renewed excitement though, even though I'm currently bleeding and uncomfortable and a little sad that this last time didn't take. I love spending time with these lovely friends though. And I'm really happy we'll get more time together soon!

Gray Area

Ah yes, I'm now in that in-between state of not pregnant and pregnant. I don't know what I am. This is unnerving and a bit annoying, to be honest. I am now at day 31 in my feminine cycle. No signs of bleeding, a long firm cervix, aversion to smells, slight bloating, forgetfulness...signs that I could be newly pregnant, or maybe not. I took a pregnancy test yesterday and it originally looked negative, and then later on I noticed a slight positive line. But it was faint. 

So, in going with the whole theme of trying to conceive this baby, since even before I came into the picture, there will be more waiting.

It's hard to just relax and trust in the process when my future (and everyone else connected to this baby) hangs in the balance. But if there was no mystery to life, I'm sure it would not really be worth living.

I'm guessing I'll only have to wait for one to four more days until I get a clear sign either way. I'm hopeful that this will be the month!

Facing Fears and Saying Yes

The IUIs both went well. The usual midwife/naturopath did the one on Saturday evening, and her new midwife partner did the one last night. She needed someone to practice on, so she can do back-up for IUIs, and apparently I'm a great person to practice on since they both said that I have a beautiful, easy to find, and open/fertile cervix. Yay, me! Nothing like getting compliments on your lady bits.

I'm not going to be using the third vial of sperm this time around. I talked it over with the midwife and she advised that since I got my temperature spike a little earlier this time, it would be a waste to use the third vial. My temperature spike happened on the 5th of this month and the ideal time for it to spike would be about the same day as the LH surge and that didn't happen this month, so she will send the other vial back. 

We wait again. As I wait this time I reflect on some fears that have come up...all things you would expect the birth mother/surrogate to think of at some point. Part of this is probably because I have had months to ponder all of this as we try for a pregnancy. The other thing is I felt really sad and depressed this last time when I wasn't pregnant, and those feelings/fears carried over for a couple weeks. An underlying sadness or realization that birth and death are infinitely connected. That I have this body during this life and I hope I'm using it to the best of my ability. That I could die in childbirth...and then realized maybe more than that I'm wondering if a piece of me will die as I give this baby to my good friends. This baby who is a piece of me. As I watch my boys grow up I wonder, "will this baby look like them? Like me?" The fear of birthing again. The unknown of pregnancy, labor and birth, postpartum. The fear of an emergency c-section when both of my boys were born vaginally. All these realizations about who I am and why I'm doing this and how I haven't broken yet...through everything I've gone through in my life, I'm still here. I'm still empowered. This is still my choice and I'm still choosing it. I want to have this baby for Lisa and Brooks. I want to be on this journey. I want to see how it will change me, make me grow, show me what I can do, what I can give...all this love that I hold. I'm still saying, "Yes."

Have Sperm, Will Travel

It's 7:00pm Friday night. Michelle and I are on our way to a friend's house for dinner. I had just paged the midwife to let her know that I just got a positive LH surge test. And I receive a voice mail minutes later explaining that there was a mix-up and they don't have my sperm. Since the package didn't have my name on it, only the donors name, it wasn't recognized and was sent back to the sperm bank in Seattle.

Okay...so I'm ready for sperm and there's no sperm available. Why does this keep happening? After a long chat on the phone with the midwife, in my friend's living room, we decide that I will call the sperm bank and see if I can pick up the vials in person the next day. All the while Lisa and Brooks are camping and out of cell phone range, so they have no idea what's going on. I text Lisa the short of it just in case, and leave a message for the sperm bank since it's after hours.

The next morning we head down to Seattle after breakfast (after finding out that indeed, I can pick up the little swimmers in person). Once we get there the "gatekeeper", if you will, is running around semi-frantically to get the sperm for us and get a couple of donors settled into their donation rooms. After a short wait she says that she needs to go get the sperm from the cold room. I call Lisa to let her know what's happening since they came down the mountain to have cell phone coverage in order to help us figure out this debacle. We also find out somewhere in there that there is only one vial of sperm that has been found, the other one (the last vial) is floating in the tank and can't be found. We decide to go out for lunch while we wait to see if she can find the other vial. We'd like to go home with two so that we can try two IUIs (as is the usual) this month. The other vial was never found. 

We head home with one vial in a huge tank that looks like a big circumcised penis in our back seat, buckled in. That night (last night) we arrive at the clinic for the IUI. I carry the awkward tank into the lab room and set in down. There on the floor sits another tank. I ask the midwife if she's doing other IUIs this week, assuming it's sperm for someone else. Nope. Sure enough, it's Brooks's sperm. It was never sent back!!! And surprise, it's still good to use! We now have three vials of sperm.

After all of that, the IUI seemed to go really well last night. And we'll do another round tonight. Now I'm debating if we should just go ahead and use that third vial on Monday. Maybe there's a reason to have three?