He Came And Went

I'm back, postpartum body and all. The past two months were filled with emotion and change, busyness and slowing down, and times of deep connection with my friends and family as they supported the end of my journey during this pregnancy. My belly got very big and round as the sweet baby inside took up all the room it could. I wrapped my arms around it daily in a big hug, letting it know that I loved it, it was safe, and we would make the journey through labor and birth together, whenever it was ready. It was bittersweet connecting in this way with this baby who is biologically part of me and also so much a part of my heart, and knowing that all along this baby has been growing inside of me to be raised by someone else, far away from me. I tried to savor every last day of pregnancy, knowing that after this baby was born it would be held by everyone else, so this could be the last day that my womb would be it's first cradle, it's first hug, it's first snuggle from birth mama before entering the big wide world and the arms of so many others. It was tender. It was surreal. At times overwhelming with so much emotion, and all I could do was trust that the bigger picture would unfold and I didn't have to plan or take care of it all. I chose to create a peaceful space inside myself where the baby felt loved and held so that it could finish growing in stability and strength. These were gifts I could give it as it's birth mother; unconditional love, room to grow, and patience (for it's arrival and beyond).

Some highlights from the past two months:

 June 6th - AFI and Growth ultrasound, Arthur (Milo and Felix's Dad) picks me up and comes along for moral support. We get great news! My fluid levels have dropped from 94% to 62% and baby's growth is estimated to be in the 55th percentile. Guess weight is 6 pounds and 12 ounces. The midwives want me to stay on the gestational diabetic diet since it probably had something to do with the fluid levels and it would be good for regulating baby's and my weight at the end of pregnancy.

June 9th - My dear friend, Sarah and my partner, Michelle gave me a birth mother blessingway. They invited some close friends and family and celebrated me as the giver of life to the sweet baby inside and to my other two older children. They held sacred space for me to be vulnerable and open as they loved me up with kind words, poems, artwork, gifts, healthy yummy food, and special beads they had picked for me (and strung on a necklace for me to look at and remember each woman supporting my journey). They drew henna designs on my belly and decorated sheets with empowering words, pictures, and hand their hand prints, which we hung as curtains around the birth tub for labor. I am so thankful for and blessed by the women in my life who show so much strength and love in their own lives and extend it to me as well. The support I've received and continue to receive from them has been invaluable as I heal from and process the birth of my beautiful baby and now it's departure from me. First to the arms of another mama, then to a home five minutes from me, and now to it's home states away. It is truly the hardest thing I have endured, even if I prepared for it the whole time.

June 14-17th - My friend, Viandara visits from California and blesses me and baby with a beautiful inspired half day of belly painting. We took part of a day to plan out the painting and it's symbolism, looking at pictures and choosing the elements that I wanted to incorporate. It was a beautiful and inspired way to receive love, understanding and healing at the end of my pregnancy. I could feel that baby was happy about the experience of having it's home painted too. Lots of little kicks and wiggles, like it was a game to follow the paintbrush on the outside. We laughed and listened to sweet music as Viandara nurtured us with her artistic skill and blessing for a peaceful end of pregnancy, and the journey beyond. Thank you so much for the gift of your time, love, and painting, Viandara.

The two pictures above are from the Blessingway. I'm wearing the necklace with every one's beads and showing off the sweet henna that was drawn on my belly in a collaborative effort. To the right is the painting that Viandara did. The top is a white shell with purple flames promoting and symbolizing healing to my throat and heart chakras. It sits on a lily pad of sorts pouring out the river that is all the feelings and emotions that I hold inside and outside of me. It symbolizes my experience as well as all the experiences of the people in this intentional family, and also very much of the baby and our deep connection. At the very bottom of the painting is a huge shell that symbolizes my womb and my emotional/mental state that holds all of the waves in their beauty and immensity. The bird standing on the shell is the baby waiting and growing, and the bird flying is the baby ready to spread it's wings and fly to it's new home.

As I look back on the pregnancy, there are so many tender moments. I loved being pregnant. I felt connected and in love with the sweet baby who I hadn't seen yet, but knew so well. It's amazing how much deeper, more complex, and beautiful that love becomes once I met him and held him. The shift from knowing and feeling myself growing a baby, and then meeting and seeing and fully embracing this beautiful child who is so much a part of me and also here because so many people dreamed him into being by acting on the very real notion that the only way he could build a body for his spirit, was through the use of my body. It is so complex and I have so many feelings about this new reality. The baby I grew and birthed from my body is now miles away, states away, being raised by his intended parents, and I am here, missing him immensely, crying periodically throughout the day and night. My body feels empty, just like my arms, and there's no way for me to explain the logical parts of this plan to my grieving heart and body. I miss you and love you more than my words could ever tell you, little bean. I hope you love your new home and family. I hope their voices, arms, and heartbeats sooth you when you're sad and that you sleep well and have sweet dreams. I am here pumping milk for you and imagining you growing big and strong in the body that my body helped you build. You will always be my precious little bean, our little friend, and my third baby. You always have a home in my heart.