Patience Takes Practice

Bleeding again. No baby starting to grow. Trying not to loose hope. I know that we really haven't been trying to get me pregnant for that long, but I'm sad. There are so many hopes and dreams riding on what I can provide. On what my body has produced before...babies. A baby. Besides the audible sad "Awww" that escaped from my mouth when I wiped to find blood yesterday, there is the empty feeling in my womb, accompanied by heavy cramping that seems to echo the sadness of not only myself, but Lisa and Brooks. 

I'm knowing more fully each month what it must be like to be Lisa. This wanting so badly to conceive and each month, the empty feeling inside as the bleeding begins and empties out the hopes of the past two weeks. I can see how women who go through this process for years go through a grieving process each cycle of every month and may even feel crazy because of it. The cramping I experience is the physical representation of the spiritual and emotional grief. The roller coaster of trying to make a baby when it's so desperately wanted.

Through all of this, I am still hopeful that the next month or two will produce no bleeding, but instead a positive pregnancy test that sticks. Maybe I just need a little more rest in my days and less stress? Both of my kids with be going to school starting in September and I will have more time to myself in the quiet. Time to take care of my needs and nurture my body. Getting regular meals, exercise, meditation time, and time to work with my clients. The pace should feel a little more predictable and slower. Plus, I'll get to have Kim do the IUIs next month! I adore her and would love to have her be part of the conception.

Okay body...you can start working with my heart now!

How To Complicate An IUI

Two more IUIs down...and we wait again. I have to admit that I missed having the usual midwife do the inseminations. She is out of town, so her back-up ARNP did both IUIs on Friday and Saturday. I was gonna hold back on my honest opinion, since I don't know who reads this, but at the same time I want to chronicle my honest feelings and experience, so here we go. 

I wasn't fond of the back-up. I didn't like her bedside manner and the way she hovered in the room, not giving us privacy while we waited the 15+ minutes for the sperm to swim up farther into my uterus. She asked prying questions and seemed like a micro-manager. She's only the back up! The fill in. She doesn't need to know how I got pregnant the times before, what my understanding with the intended parents is, whether I've "really thought this decision out", and if I think the intended parents will be good parents. And then on the second IUI she insisted on taking my blood pressure even after I asked her why and told her I didn't want her to. It just doesn't make sense! There was no logic to it. In any other situation, whether heterosexual or otherwise, if you were at home and had fresh sperm on hand, and were about to make passionate love or use a turkey baster, your lover wouldn't stop first and say, "Before we continue, I'll need to take your blood pressure."

Maybe it's just that since I've been a doula for so many years and have had my own children and been on this path towards becoming a midwife myself, that I know almost all the midwives in my area and feel that my opinion is respected by them. My own midwives have always given me the space to self-educate and feel empowered enough to say when I want interventions or not and they know that I like my own space. This woman just seems to not operate that way. She felt much more like an intrusive doctor to me. And I suppose some people find comfort in someone else telling them what to do, but not this lady. 

Friday night I experienced a lot of cramping from the IUI, accompanied by bloody mucus coming from my vagina, and cramping in my lower back. This "alternative" way of getting pregnant can be much less comfortable and fun. Fortunately, last night's IUI had no side effects afterward. Also besides the whole blood pressure weirdness, (which by the way, was high the first time she took it because I tensed up at the thought. I hate getting my BP taken. And then she told Michelle and Janet, my friend and acupuncturist, who had been chatting and laughing with me, to settle down and be quiet so she could take it again.The second try it was healthy and normal.) last night was much better. I loved having Janet's support too. She's also a selective doula for certain women, so she has this calming presence that I just adore. She was playing with my hair and kind of massaging my head while I was getting the IUI, which was really nice. 

My body just feels really good. I feel totally ready to be pregnant mentally, physically, and spiritually. I'd also like to be done with all the prep work and just get the show on the road. I know everyone else is feeling this way too. 

I had a little chat with the spermies this morning after doing some yoga/meditation and goddess cards. I told them to choose which one would be this little baby and to make it happen this month because I'm ready to grow.

We're At It Again

Guess who's fertile?! I am. Ovulation keeps coming earlier each month. I was trying to fit in a 9-day Isagenix cleanse to "clean" my body before I tried getting pregnant this month. I only have a couple more days to go, so I suppose I could finish up. I'm treating my body really well, not drinking beer or wine, making sure I'm eating organic and as much fresh fruits and veggies as I can, and drinking lots of water. It feels good to honor my body by being conscious about what I eat, drink, and do. I think the baby will like this little temporary home I'm preparing for it. 

I'm ready to be pregnant now. It seemed like the first few months were practice to feel fully aligned and get it right. So today I happen to have fertility acupuncture with the lovely, Janet Pocsi. And then this evening we'll be doing an IUI. Michelle seems excited about it too. I'm so happy she feels more calm about the whole thing. We're doing really well and happy to take this journey together. It'll be such a huge growing experience for both of us. All of us. 

Okay little baby spirit...let's do this!