Bleeding again. No baby starting to grow. Trying not to loose hope. I know that we really haven't been trying to get me pregnant for that long, but I'm sad. There are so many hopes and dreams riding on what I can provide. On what my body has produced before...babies. A baby. Besides the audible sad "Awww" that escaped from my mouth when I wiped to find blood yesterday, there is the empty feeling in my womb, accompanied by heavy cramping that seems to echo the sadness of not only myself, but Lisa and Brooks.
I'm knowing more fully each month what it must be like to be Lisa. This wanting so badly to conceive and each month, the empty feeling inside as the bleeding begins and empties out the hopes of the past two weeks. I can see how women who go through this process for years go through a grieving process each cycle of every month and may even feel crazy because of it. The cramping I experience is the physical representation of the spiritual and emotional grief. The roller coaster of trying to make a baby when it's so desperately wanted.
Through all of this, I am still hopeful that the next month or two will produce no bleeding, but instead a positive pregnancy test that sticks. Maybe I just need a little more rest in my days and less stress? Both of my kids with be going to school starting in September and I will have more time to myself in the quiet. Time to take care of my needs and nurture my body. Getting regular meals, exercise, meditation time, and time to work with my clients. The pace should feel a little more predictable and slower. Plus, I'll get to have Kim do the IUIs next month! I adore her and would love to have her be part of the conception.
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