Waterfalls

Let me paint a little picture here...It's early in the morning. I've just woken up to my alarm and remember that I told Lisa I would take a pregnancy test first thing (i.e. first morning pee). It's Friday morning, yesterday. I throw on black fleece sweatpants and an orange tank top. Somehow it doesn't seem right to pee on a stick, while on the phone with the mama-to-be, when I'm not somewhat dressed. Not sure why since I'll be laboring naked in front of her one of these days...months away. So I stumble, half-asleep into the bathroom and look into the mirror at my crazy awesome morning hair that's all over the place, and that stupid under-the-skin zit that I can't seem to pop. Obviously buying myself one more minute to hold off on the inevitable call and pee stick result that will tell us the future of not only today, but the coming month and possibly the next year.

I dig under the sink for the box that holds the last pregnancy test and slowly open it. Pulling down my pants, I call Lisa. "Good morning! I'm sitting on the toilet about to pee." She asks if she can call Brooks since he's currently at home and she's visiting family in another state. Just in case we get a positive test result she'd like him to hear the news at the same time that we do. That makes sense, but I ask if I can pee first...not sure I want yet another person listening to me pee. I'm not one of those girls that asks all my friends to come into the bathroom with me, so this is a little vulnerable for me. Michelle wanders into the bathroom too since she wants to be part of the pee party/pregnancy test experience. And now I have stage fright. I giggle nervously saying, I can't pee now and Michelle turns on the faucet and starts singing TLC's "Waterfalls" song. Awesome. Okay, urination has commenced and...now it's over. "You can call Brooks now, Lisa." I say with a smile. I put the test down on the edge of the tub after replacing the cap. Four people waiting for an answer on a little plastic stick. Will the world change? Will Hayley produce the right hormones? Does the future of my friend's family ride on my shoulders in the moment? It sure feels like it. Wow.

Two minutes spent telling stories about something unrelated to the pregnancy while we wait. The test has a negative result. No pregnancy hormones here. Is it too early to test? Possibly. I took the test only ten days after my last IUI. So now we just wait to see if my period comes, and if not, I'll test again in a few days.

I'm actually sad this time around. I think last month it was all happening so fast and things weren't going very smoothly in my relationship, so I was more relaxed in a way and not surprised to not be pregnant because I didn't feel as ready. But this month, things are going better in general and I was feeling pregnant the past four days or so. Food aversions, sensitivity to smells, anytime sickness (my version of morning sickness since it happens really any time and is unpredictable), and once my breasts started tingling like they were filling with milk for no apparent reason. Strange things that don't happen to me normally. Why would this be happening if I wasn't pregnant? I'm confused. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing my body now that I'm ready to get the show on the road. I still believe that this little person will move in to my hospitable womb once it's good and ready, but I gotta say, this kid could be a bit stubborn. It'll be fun to see what their personality is like. It seems easier to find humor in the situation when you have an unborn child (even one that's not yet conceived) to blame the situation on. It's not my body, or Lisa's, or Brooks's...it's that unborn kid! Already exercising it's right to show up whenever it pleases. Making us earthlings wait, just for fun. Hahaha...smart little baby. Okay, you've got our attention. We wait on you, my dear.

The Second Go Around

I thought my cycle was getting pretty predictable. That seemed to be true, until my ovulation decided to come a few days later than expected. My temperatures were confusing me and staying low, my fertile mucus was decidedly un-fertile, but my cervix seemed to be getting softer. What did all of this mean? Then I woke last Saturday feeling strange and maybe...nauseous? After some debate with Michelle about what it could mean, after taking the LH surge test and having it be negative yet again, I decided I would take a pregnancy test again. Just in case I was one of those women who happened to have a period even after conceiving. The test came back negative. Grr...waiting on my own body is not nearly as easy as trusting and waiting on some other woman's body while supporting her as her doula. Maybe yet another way I can learn and grow, becoming more patient with myself. Giving myself the same kind of love and nurturing I extend to my clients. What a novel idea! 

There was more waiting and patience building in my future. As well as the 10,000 other people who are connected to this pregnancy. (That reference is for you, Lisa.) And apparently, once I realized this lesson my body kicked into fertile gear, so to speak. I realize too, that this blog may be TMI for some people, so if you haven't already been offended by my graphic descriptions of "lady-stuff", keep reading...you've been forewarned. So as I was saying...patience is a virtue and all that, and Sunday morning I awoke to extreme wetness. Almost as if I had wet the bed (I feel for you guys getting wet dreams). Apparently, ladies get wet dreams too. Although I have no idea what I was dreaming of. But I was dripping wet, feeling very frisky, and low and behold, the smiley face on the LH surge test strip had finally arrived! Hello smiley face! It's so good to see you. You've made me smile too. Becoming fertile once a month IS an exciting thing! At least it felt like it was in that moment.

Monday and Tuesday were insemination days. Tuesday morning my lovely friend Sarah, accompanied me to the IUI appointment. It went alright, beside the strange sensation of having a small straw slide up my cervix and into my uterus. Also, the rest of that day was spent feeling crampy. Like period cramps in my cervix and lower uterus. Probably because it's not everyday I have a straw with sperm inside of it, inserted into my nether regions, and my body was saying "What's going on here?". I also experienced some light spotting because the straw had broken some capillaries in my cervix. Not that uncommon, but also not helping the cramping feelings, I'm sure. 

The second day we did an evening insemination, because at our morning scheduled time the midwife was at a birth. Births always take priority for midwives (and doulas). I get this concept, so it wasn't a big deal to schedule it for 6:30 in the evening instead. Michelle decided to join me for this insemination since she didn't have to work at that time and she was a good support. I was nervous that this insemination would hurt or have more side effects than the day before since my cervix seemed to be less open and harder to me. The midwife said it looked beautiful though and she was able to insert it without me feeling it. The procedure was probably the fastest yet and I had no cramping afterward. This made me quite happy.

And now, we wait. Last night I asked Michelle to go on a nice long hilly bike ride with me. We rode about 18 miles past a lake, up in the hills, and then back down next to the bay. What a beautiful ride! I've decided that for as long as physically possible, I will keep riding my bike during pregnancy. It just makes me feel so centered, happy, and healthy. It really clears my head and make me feel more present and alive. It gives me that "I'm in my body right now" feeling. I'm also thinking I'll be training for the Tour de Whatcom http://tourdewhatcom.com/index.html at the end of next month. If I have a ride I'm training for then I'm much more disciplined about riding more and getting the exercise my body needs. I learned this from last years experience training for the Seattle to Portland ride. What an amazing adventure that was! I'll be taking it much easier on myself this year though, by doing the 50 mile one day ride, instead of  the 204 miles in two days I completed last summer. 50 miles seems doable (and not too crazy) for a newly pregnant or newly inseminated woman to do. It probably depends on who you ask though, as with anything else.

Temperatures, Surges, and Mucus, Oh My!

Fertility charting is interesting business. Meaning that at first it was kind of cool to know so much information about me and my cycle, and now after a few months of it, I'm annoyed. I've found that in the past week I've become quite grumpy when I wake up. Probably the first reason is because I really enjoy sleeping. Waking up to an alarm now not only means getting ready for the day, but immediately sticking a basal body temperature thermometer in my "hooha" (as Michelle calls it) and waiting for the beeping to tell me something about my ovulation. Then I chart that number and make my way to the bathroom to pee on a stick that tells me if I'm having an LH surge or not. While I'm waiting for those results, I stand up and check my cervical mucus and the location/feel/opening of my cervix. After that I wash my hands, enjoying the feel of the warm water and quiet for a minute. Then I wander back into the bedroom sleepy-eyed, with all the scientific data I have collected and write it down on my fertility chart. In my opinion, that's a lot to do to yourself every morning when you're half asleep. It certainly takes the sexiness out of baby making...so mission accomplished! 

All this to say, I feel for you. All of you other women out there who have gone through the charting, the months (maybe years) of very consciously planning for a baby you have wanted so badly. Badly enough to chart your cycle religiously and become at times what may feel like a science experiment. Everyone looking at you with a questioning expression, "Has it happened yet?", "Are you ovulating, pregnant, experiencing fertile mucus, (fill in the blank)?" I get it. The feeling of being a test subject is not always so fun. I take comfort in the fact that I must not be the only one trying to get pregnant in this way. I'm not the only surrogate to ever be and I'm not the only person waking up to this new routine every morning.

I seem to be very near my next LH surge. In the past two months when I have gone in for fertility acupuncture (around my predicted ovulation time) with the lovely and very knowledgeable Janet Pocsi http://www.facebook.com/pages/Janet-Pocsi-Acupuncture/124877274198682, I have gotten my LH surge either the same day or the next morning. I have an acupuncture appointment this morning. I am planning to really use that time to relax on the table and breathe away any stress that has come up in the past month. Based on all my other signs, I'm going to guess that I'll get that little smiley face on the stick tomorrow morning and somehow, that will make all of the charting worth it. There's just something about that smiley face.

To Be or Not To Be (Pregnant)

It seems that when most heterosexual couples get pregnant it is either by surprise or not widely publicized when copulation happened for a hopeful intended pregnancy. For some, this way of getting pregnant may even seem old fashioned, especially once you've entered into alternative methods to achieve a pregnancy. Personally, I have never had anyone ask me if I was pregnant yet, if I'd taken a pregnancy test yet, if I was "feeling pregnant", etc...until this past month. And for those who have asked, or who are reading this blog (obviously you'd want to know), I am not. My monthly flow has returned once again, so it's back to the drawing board, or more literally - back to bed with cramps. 

We are planning to amp up the charting factor this month by adding in the tracking of my BBT (basal body temperature) to make sure it aligns with my LH surge. Hopefully this will give us a positive sign more quickly, but I trust it will all happen in its intended perfect timing. I was a little sad to see a faint negative line when I took a pregnancy test a few days ago, while on the phone with Lisa, but we had decided that maybe it was too soon for a result. We'd wait and see if my period came. And it did. I wasn't surprised. I didn't really "feel" pregnant. There was just a lot of excitement around it.

My thought was that this baby wasn't ready to come inhabit my body yet. It was waiting in the wings and watching as Michelle and I were figuring out our relationship dynamic and trying to get our individual and collective needs met (aka arguing and feeling insecure). Now things have settled in the last few days and feel much better. We both knew this surrogacy would bring up a lot of beliefs and feelings and things to heal. We both agree we are committed to each other and working it out together, but that doesn't mean it will be easy. Having said that, I am hopeful that this next round of IUIs will be followed with much more harmony in my personal life. This whole process is a big surrender to an even bigger picture. One that I probably can't fully fathom yet. But what an amazing life it's been so far. Why not grow a little more (in more ways than one)!? Hehe