He Came And Went

I'm back, postpartum body and all. The past two months were filled with emotion and change, busyness and slowing down, and times of deep connection with my friends and family as they supported the end of my journey during this pregnancy. My belly got very big and round as the sweet baby inside took up all the room it could. I wrapped my arms around it daily in a big hug, letting it know that I loved it, it was safe, and we would make the journey through labor and birth together, whenever it was ready. It was bittersweet connecting in this way with this baby who is biologically part of me and also so much a part of my heart, and knowing that all along this baby has been growing inside of me to be raised by someone else, far away from me. I tried to savor every last day of pregnancy, knowing that after this baby was born it would be held by everyone else, so this could be the last day that my womb would be it's first cradle, it's first hug, it's first snuggle from birth mama before entering the big wide world and the arms of so many others. It was tender. It was surreal. At times overwhelming with so much emotion, and all I could do was trust that the bigger picture would unfold and I didn't have to plan or take care of it all. I chose to create a peaceful space inside myself where the baby felt loved and held so that it could finish growing in stability and strength. These were gifts I could give it as it's birth mother; unconditional love, room to grow, and patience (for it's arrival and beyond).

Some highlights from the past two months:

 June 6th - AFI and Growth ultrasound, Arthur (Milo and Felix's Dad) picks me up and comes along for moral support. We get great news! My fluid levels have dropped from 94% to 62% and baby's growth is estimated to be in the 55th percentile. Guess weight is 6 pounds and 12 ounces. The midwives want me to stay on the gestational diabetic diet since it probably had something to do with the fluid levels and it would be good for regulating baby's and my weight at the end of pregnancy.

June 9th - My dear friend, Sarah and my partner, Michelle gave me a birth mother blessingway. They invited some close friends and family and celebrated me as the giver of life to the sweet baby inside and to my other two older children. They held sacred space for me to be vulnerable and open as they loved me up with kind words, poems, artwork, gifts, healthy yummy food, and special beads they had picked for me (and strung on a necklace for me to look at and remember each woman supporting my journey). They drew henna designs on my belly and decorated sheets with empowering words, pictures, and hand their hand prints, which we hung as curtains around the birth tub for labor. I am so thankful for and blessed by the women in my life who show so much strength and love in their own lives and extend it to me as well. The support I've received and continue to receive from them has been invaluable as I heal from and process the birth of my beautiful baby and now it's departure from me. First to the arms of another mama, then to a home five minutes from me, and now to it's home states away. It is truly the hardest thing I have endured, even if I prepared for it the whole time.

June 14-17th - My friend, Viandara visits from California and blesses me and baby with a beautiful inspired half day of belly painting. We took part of a day to plan out the painting and it's symbolism, looking at pictures and choosing the elements that I wanted to incorporate. It was a beautiful and inspired way to receive love, understanding and healing at the end of my pregnancy. I could feel that baby was happy about the experience of having it's home painted too. Lots of little kicks and wiggles, like it was a game to follow the paintbrush on the outside. We laughed and listened to sweet music as Viandara nurtured us with her artistic skill and blessing for a peaceful end of pregnancy, and the journey beyond. Thank you so much for the gift of your time, love, and painting, Viandara.

The two pictures above are from the Blessingway. I'm wearing the necklace with every one's beads and showing off the sweet henna that was drawn on my belly in a collaborative effort. To the right is the painting that Viandara did. The top is a white shell with purple flames promoting and symbolizing healing to my throat and heart chakras. It sits on a lily pad of sorts pouring out the river that is all the feelings and emotions that I hold inside and outside of me. It symbolizes my experience as well as all the experiences of the people in this intentional family, and also very much of the baby and our deep connection. At the very bottom of the painting is a huge shell that symbolizes my womb and my emotional/mental state that holds all of the waves in their beauty and immensity. The bird standing on the shell is the baby waiting and growing, and the bird flying is the baby ready to spread it's wings and fly to it's new home.

As I look back on the pregnancy, there are so many tender moments. I loved being pregnant. I felt connected and in love with the sweet baby who I hadn't seen yet, but knew so well. It's amazing how much deeper, more complex, and beautiful that love becomes once I met him and held him. The shift from knowing and feeling myself growing a baby, and then meeting and seeing and fully embracing this beautiful child who is so much a part of me and also here because so many people dreamed him into being by acting on the very real notion that the only way he could build a body for his spirit, was through the use of my body. It is so complex and I have so many feelings about this new reality. The baby I grew and birthed from my body is now miles away, states away, being raised by his intended parents, and I am here, missing him immensely, crying periodically throughout the day and night. My body feels empty, just like my arms, and there's no way for me to explain the logical parts of this plan to my grieving heart and body. I miss you and love you more than my words could ever tell you, little bean. I hope you love your new home and family. I hope their voices, arms, and heartbeats sooth you when you're sad and that you sleep well and have sweet dreams. I am here pumping milk for you and imagining you growing big and strong in the body that my body helped you build. You will always be my precious little bean, our little friend, and my third baby. You always have a home in my heart.

Water And Other Complexities

Living in the pacific northwest I am accustomed to water. Lots of water. It seems essential for growth, greenery, and fresh air. I love swimming, floating, and being around the healing power of water. I envision laboring in water and possibly birthing in the water, if the occasion arises. So when we had the ultrasound last month and the results came back that the amniotic fluid in my womb was on the very full side (between 95 and 97% - in the range of normal). I tried not to worry too much. I figured this baby just loves to swim, like me! I did the research about risks and talked with other pregnant women who had a lot of fluid and thought about the clients I've had with high AFI (amniotic fluid index) and came to the conclusion that since the baby is healthy and there are no issues with it's development and kidneys, and I don't have gestational diabetes, that I must be in the 65% range of women who have this "extra fluid" (for whatever reason) and we are healthy and there's no medical reason for it or explanation. It was fine to me to leave it at that and trust that when I give birth, my fluid will be the right amount for this labor and baby. 

Sounds simple enough, but when you have care providers that are concerned, you have to negotiate a bit. I understand midwives only serve women and babies who are in the medical ranges of normal and healthy. Once a woman is deemed high risk, she is referred to an OB who is trained in managing pathology in pregnancy and labor. Still, I wasn't thrilled about getting a second ultrasound. Lisa and Brooks flew in a week ago and we had an ultrasound and midwife appointment Friday morning. My fluid measured at 94%. Lower than the previous months ultrasound and only 1% away from being considered polyhydramnios. The midwives were still a bit concerned when I told them and said that after our appointment they would talk with their consulting physician about what the next step should be. We also talked about the two main risk factors that increase slightly if a woman has polyhydramnios. The first concern in a greater chance of prolapsed cord, if my water was to break before the baby's head is well engaged and the cord washes down first. This would result in the need for an emergency c-section as the baby would have no oxygen supply through the compressed cord. The other concern is that since a woman with excessive fluid has a more expanded uterus, the chance of hemorrhage after birth becomes a bigger risk. It takes longer for her uterus to clamp down and return to a smaller size, so the placental site can stay larger and more open for longer. Both of these scenarios would be emergencies and I understand needing to transfer if they arise. However, I still see myself as healthy with some extra fluid. I trust that whatever comes up, I will be well taken care of. I trust my midwives and their ability to assess the situation and make thoughtful and grounded decisions. 

When Eloisa (one of my midwives) called back Friday evening she told me that they want me to change my diet for the rest of the pregnancy in the hopes that it will help the fluid level go down and also make sure the baby gains the appropriate amount of weight. So far I've only gained 17 pounds in this pregnancy, so I feel that I'm doing pretty well. Also my diet was already really healthy. However, per their direction, I have switched to a very strict gestational diabetic diet/paleo diet. I don't have gestational diabetes, but one of the correlations to excess fluid (although not in all cases) is the body's inability to control sugar/carbs. I'm also supposed to check my blood sugar levels four times a day. One fasting morning check and the rest are taken one hour after each meal. After testing for five days my levels are always low and in a healthy normal range, not a diabetic range. It's a little frustrating to me that I have to change my diet to accommodate what a doctor thinks is best (even when I was feeling fine), but I'm hoping that it'll help me feel healthier and more able to bounce back after birth, I'd also love to give birth to a baby who is hopefully under 9 pounds at full term.

Other than the amniotic fluid and diet change, I'm doing okay. (Although I currently have a nasty head cold.) Baby is moving a lot and seems quite happy in his over-abundance of watery wombness. I love this little kiddo and am hoping we will make it to full term as I've been feeling soooo pregnant lately with aching hips and low back, extra sleepiness, lots of Braxton Hicks, and new stretch marks on my belly. I've gotten new ones every pregnancy, extensions of the ones that came before, slowly climbing up my belly. Marks of my motherhood, that I've lived this journey and earned my stripes. 

On the legal end, all is taken care of now and the surrogacy/adoption document have been revised and signed. We are all set to have Lisa adopt the baby after birth to make it official. Lisa and Brooks also found the perfect house to rent in Bellingham with a gorgeous water view. I know where I'll be spending my last weeks of pregnancy, on the sunny deck with Lisa, sipping unsweetened ice tea and kombucha. Two drinks I can have that are kosher in the GD diet. After baby is here, I'll be back on that deck with a mimosa in hand instead. hehe

Colorado Before Baby

I'm realizing more how much I dislike being on the computer. Funny for someone who chose to keep a blog. I think it's a big reason why I don't update the blog more, because I rarely spend time on my computer. Oh well, here I am again. I figured an update on our trip to Colorado from a couple weeks ago would be good and some updates on feelings/thoughts on the surrogacy at this stage.

The first thing we did after Lisa picked Michelle and I up from the airport, was go to an intuitive reading. Some interesting highlights from that were that she said the baby looked like he had had a really hard life before this one, full of sadness and loss. She said he has chosen to reincarnate quickly into this life in order to have a big family who would surround him with love and joy. With this in mind, she said that we're not to get caught up in the details surrounding the birth and immediate postpartum. She said this baby has given us permission to feel, to cry, and to love most of all. That if we are in doubt, just looking to the baby for answers. All decisions should be made out of love and taking us all into consideration as we are forming a new kind of family. She said Michelle and Brooks are to be the "caretakers" and shower the mamas with love, attention, and happiness. This reading was very interesting. I'm newer to the idea of readings, Lisa introduced me to it, but it often times gives a different perspective, extra ideas, or confirms what my heart and intuition was already telling me. I like the idea of not getting caught up in the specifics. So much of this process feels planned out. As I think to the birth I keep feeling the urge to somehow slow everything down, not necessarily the birth itself, but the process of giving life and slowly letting it go to keep thriving. It's much like an accelerated parenting role. We have children, raise them, and they move out when they are old enough, and then they occasionally visit. This feels like an incredibly fast version of that for me. I'll be skipping the "raising" part, but that's been the plan from all along. I understand it in my brain, I just wonder how my nurturing heart and body will feel.

We also had an ultrasound while we were there. Baby is healthy and happily growing! It kept it's legs closed, which was fine since we weren't looking for the gender anyway. According to the evaluation from the ultrasound, baby is measuring potentially two weeks bigger than "normal" and I have excess amniotic fluid. Something like 96%, so still in the "range of normal" but on the high end. Since baby's kidneys are working perfectly, and I tested negative for gestational diabetes, there is no real reason for the extra fluid. Lisa was researching it some more and found that something like 65% of cases with increased fluid volume meaning nothing. I'm not worried about it. Baby is healthy and seems very happy inside me, so I'm trusting that all will be fine and maybe I'll just have more fluid to leak during labor. The fluid also changes during pregnancy, and often times is less in the last month. I'm trusting that my body knows how to grow a healthy baby and how to give birth, this must be the amount of fluid this baby wants to swim in.

Lisa's sweet friends Eva and Maria gave her/us a Baby Shower/Blessingway while we were visiting. It was so sweet. I felt a bit overwhelmed before I joined the party as I didn't know hardly any of the women attending and I knew I would be a big focus of their attention. I stayed upstairs in our room for a bit as people arrived and the sounds of women's voices got louder and echoed off the ceiling. Then I stood in the upstairs hall wondering what to do. Fortunately, Michelle had gone downstairs first and had mentioned to Eva that I may need to be checked on. Eva came up and was so sweet. She gave me a hug and I started to cry. There was just so much energy that I felt I was holding. I felt like a pregnant animal that wanted to hide in a dark corner until the commotion was gone. Eva sat me down in the rocking chair in the baby's room and held my feet in her hands. She grounded me and told me there was only love for me downstairs. She let me cry and talk and gave me another hug. Soon I had dried my tears, taken deep breaths, and was ready to join all the women celebrating downstairs.

During the blessing part Eva gave Michelle and I special necklaces that she had made us to symbolize something from the baby. They each have a piece of round dark wood and a metal pendant that hangs in front of the wood that has an engraved heart on the front and on the back says, "Thank You LF". LF stands for "Little Friend", another nickname baby has gotten. Eva also bought me a very pretty lavender colored lace-weight scarf, knitted at a local yarn shop there. It's like a soft hug from her. Maria presented Lisa with a beautiful crown made of fresh colorful flowers and a shawl with bright butterflies all over it.  After they blessed us, we all wrote down blessings for the baby on ribbons and tied them to a mobile for the baby's room. We then went around in a circle and stated our prayer/blessings while holding a large bowl of water to energetically infuse the water with all this love. They will be pouring the water of the baby after birth, a symbol of all the blessings pouring down from all it's loved ones.

Here is a picture of the five of us taken after the baby shower. 

 

It was a very full trip with lots of people to meet and places to go. I feel I am settled back into being home and enjoying being here. Me and baby going along day to day. Experiencing life together for a little while longer. It is bittersweet. We went to prenatal yoga last Sunday night. The stretching and connecting inward was so welcomed. We will continue to do this Sunday nights for the rest of the pregnancy. It feels so healing.

Worth It

Changing, changing, changing. My body, my belly, my state of mind at times...life. This journey of traditional surrogacy has taken me to new places. Many of them in my mind. Explorations on what it means to be pregnant with a baby, with the idea of a baby, the physical, emotional and spiritual sides of such. I've found myself as of late, trying to decipher what I've learned throughout my years as a mother and doula, through my years of working with birthing families and all I've taught about bonding and the importance of it, and wondering what applies now, in this situation. Obviously, the babies needs are still the same. So if that is true, in some way aren't the biological mother's needs also the same? At least in some capacity? If I say "no", that feels like a betrayal of a part of me. I'm not saying I want to keep this baby (or any baby for that matter). In my head it's still the same. I have so many feelings about what I'm doing for my dear friends, and feeling a strong sense of "rightness" and a deep love for this baby is part of that. I want this sweet little person to go to Lisa and Brooks so they can raise the child they have longed for. It's a need that I personally, no longer have. Which is why I said yes to being their surrogate in the first place. I love Milo and Felix and can't imagine having another child be part of our daily life. They are my kids. And this one is a kid for someone else, yet still very much a part of me. I am thankful that this arrangement we've made means that we get to see this kid grow and that it will know where it came from and why. I'm glad we are all honest with each other and that I'm keeping this blog to record my feelings and thoughts. This experience is incredibly part of who I am and it's making me grow at a rapid pace. It's opening me to news ways of thinking. But back to the needs of the biological mother after birth...It would stand to reason that (in my personal experience at least) I should have a slowly "letting go" phase after the baby is born. Physiologically both the baby's body and my body won't understand what's happening, even though my head does. It seems that in any circumstance where someone is "saying goodbye" so to speak, in such a profound way, that that time needs to be honored and taken slowly so all that needs to be expressed can be. I think if everything happened in a 24 hour whirlwind after the birth, I would be much more devastated. The best way I can put it is that not only will my body need to heal from the birth, but my heart will have to go through the process of letting go too. It will be emotional. It will be bittersweet. It will be rewarding. It will be completely worth it.

We leave for Seattle tomorrow afternoon to stay in a hotel so that we can get up before dawn Thursday morning and catch a plane to Colorado. A five day journey to visit the lucky parents for this very loved baby. We'll be having our first (and probably only) ultrasound while we are there to see the baby and have the requisite screening, but not to find out the gender. Lisa also has planned a baby shower/baby blessing for while we're there and it sounds like we'll be part of another intuitive reading to bring out any fears and/or healing that needs to happen between the four adults before the baby is born. It should be enlightening. I'm looking forward to seeing Brooks and Lisa and having them feel more connected to the pregnancy and the baby. It's such a huge life-altering existence for me right now, and sometimes I feel quite lonely in it, so it'll be nice to spend time with the two people I'm doing this for. I love them very much.

It Takes A Village

Life has been, yet again (as usual) very busy. Another month has passed and I remember I need to write down the happenings of surrogacy. Here are two pictures taken today, almost 22 weeks along. Look at that round belly! I feel pregnant, no doubt about that. My breasts feel huge to me, my nipples seemingly larger and much darker. I am in need of a new bra that will fit and flatter these boulders, but the one store I've been to so far didn't have any in my size (I tried on four of their largest nursing bras) and walked out with the woman apologizing and looking at me pityingly...The look said, "Poor girl. Her breasts are huge! And they'll just get bigger once her milk comes in..." Oh well, my "girls" seem to fit the rest of my curvaceous body, so they'll have to do for the time being. Later this week I'll venture out to another store to check out their selection. 

My last prenatal with my midwife was on Friday, right before I attended a long labor and birth and stayed awake for about 36 hours (resulting in calling my back-up to attend my other client who went into labor about 12 hours after I had already been attending my home birth mama. This is the first time I've had to call for back-up since I started practicing as a doula in 2005.) The prenatal went well. Both baby and I are healthy and doing well. I've only gained 4 pounds so far and my blood pressure is perfect! I attribute this to the conscious effort I've given to my diet and consistent exercise. Little bean (baby's nickname around here) has been very active and certainly doesn't feel like a "little bean" anymore. I feel movement everywhere and it's comforting to know that he/she is happily dancing around as I go about my day. 

I have my gestational diabetes and thyroid blood test the middle of March and then another appointment with my midwife before we fly out to Colorado to spend time with the intended parents. I'm optimistic about the tests and excited to see Lisa and Brooks at the end of March. It'll be fun for them to take part in feeling this little person move from the outside and be much closer physically to experience more of the pregnancy side of things for a few days. I'm knitting the baby a pair of leggings right now that I'm thinking I'll take to the baby shower we'll have when we're in Colorado. I'm enjoying making it something special from me...and I'm sure there's more to come! I love knitting and being crafty and it helps me feel more connected to the little one, thinking of it wearing things I've made specifically for it with love.

We've figured out the insurance issue we were having and I'm also on WIC, which will help with a breast pump for me after the baby is born. I'm grateful to have these things figured out, even though Michelle still hasn't found a job. She has been searching and applying consistently to different jobs, but no such luck yet. I'm thankful for the doula clients I have and the nanny jobs I've been getting sporadically. All of it helps. I'm trusting that something is right around the corner for Michelle and am thankful that I have the energy to keep up with my busy schedule and take on the clients who need me.

I have two requests that I want to put out there now, so that my friends and family can keep their eyes peeled for me. One is that after this baby is born, both Lisa and I plan to breastfeed. I will also be doing a lot of pumping to help her supplement (as needed). I plan to pump for about three months or so and overnight the milk to them on a freezer truck after they are back in Colorado and also help them find women who can donate breast milk to them more locally as well. What I need help with is finding a couple of families (ideally two or three) who will need a nanny/wet nurse once or more per week. Since I make such amazing amounts of liquid gold aka breast milk, I want to be able to share it with babies who need a little extra and moms whose supply may dwindle a bit once they have to go back to work. Please spread the word for me! It would be so rewarding to keep donating milk to the baby I'm carrying as well as physically watch my milk nourish other babies and help families who want my milk and nanny services. Plus, it also means that I won't have to pump every single time my breasts are full, which would be a welcome relief. The second request I have is that Lisa, Brooks, and their two sweet doggies need a place to live June, July, and August while they are in Bellingham. If you or anyone you know is going away for the summer and would like to rent out your/their home to these wonderful people as they wait for, welcome, and settle in with their new baby, please let me know! We would all be so grateful to know that they have a solid place to stay this summer. Thank you for your help with these things. Little bean thanks you too. 
 

Growing and Changing

It's my 29th birthday and this pregnancy is 17 weeks along. How time flies! I've been busy working and taking care of my two sick boys this week. I'm quite honestly pretty tired today, but I figured I was due for a short photo shoot to show off this quickly growing belly. Baby is in the middle of a three week growth spurt from the size of an avocado to a large banana. Go baby go!


I've been trying to get a cardio workout 4-5 times a week and well as incorporate other exercises each week such as water aerobics, walking, biking, and prenatal yoga. It feels good to move my body and I feel the difference whenever I don't get some kind of exercise every day. 


We've been busy trying to figure out important details like, what insurance I should switch to since Michelle lost her job (I was completely covered under her plan) and solidifying details for our visit to Colorado at the end of March. Also, Lisa and Brooks have been working on our surrogacy/adoption contract to send to both our lawyers to make sure everything is clear and covered. We've found it a little hard since our circumstance is slightly more "out-of-the-box" and complicated than a gestational surrogacy, but we're keeping open minds and figuring we'll keep learning as we go. It sometimes feels like extra work to create this all-inclusive redesigned family, but it also feels so worth it. I feel like this is one of the biggest growing opportunities of my life. It's teaching me so much about who I am and how I relate to pregnancy as a mother, birth worker, on a personal level, spiritual level, and now inhabiting this body that is growing a new life that is part of me, but not mine. Pregnancy like I have never experienced before, and most likely never will again. And I love this little person and the way we are so intricately connected. 

Here's to more growth, more reflections, and more invaluable life lessons! I love all the people who have chosen to do this life with me and feel empowered by the journey.

Feelings vs. Words

Michelle and I met with our doula for the "first time" yesterday. I've know her for years in the birth community, so we are already quite familiar, but it was new to be on the other side in a way. I'm so used to being the one that goes into my client's homes and asks them about their intentions for their births and their feelings and fears, and now I'm the one being asked these questions. I've gotten so used to talking with other pregnant women about what they need, it's a reality shift in a way to remember that I have needs, fears, intentions, hopes around this pregnancy and upcoming birth. That I am the one who is pregnant now. I'm relieved, in a way, that I have the emotional, physical, and spiritual help from a doula who is there to just support me in whatever way I need. I think it will be really helpful to have her experienced and patient manner in the birth setting and also during our last prenatal to get all five of us on the same page about what birth may be like with what feels like two sets of parents, at times. And I'm sure her support and listening will be important for me to process the feelings that come up postnatally. 

I've noticed new feelings coming up since I've started feeling baby move and my belly is visibly growing more. Apparently the little one is about the size of an apple now. I think because this is a traditional surrogacy, and not a surrogacy through IVF with no direct biological connection, I may have more feelings of maternal/instinctual origin. I have wondered how this will come up through out pregnancy and birthing. There are seemingly conflicting feelings at times that are hard to explain. I am still happy that I am a surrogate and not wanting a newborn to care for for years to come after this sweet little baby is born. However, I also love the fluttering of it's movements and feel protective of it's environment. Often putting my hands on my belly and talking to the baby. I especially like to explain things that are happening when it's just the two of us. It's little spirit is gentle and comforting...I don't know how to explain it. I like to talk with him (possibly her) when we are driving home from births, especially in the middle of the night. Processing what we just witnessed and talking about what knowledge we can take from each one, maybe to help make this birthing process more fulfilling and easier for both of us. It's like giving him a crash course in birth for 9+ months before we embark on the journey ourselves. The balancing of these feelings of deep connection with this little person, and the recognition that there is a whole village and two other parents that will be raising this baby is kind of mind-blowing at times. It's hard to break it down, and I''m not sure it can be broken down into words or specific feelings. It's teaching me so much about parenthood, love, connection, and the raw truth that is human experience. I've been tearing up as I type most of this because the feelings at times seem so huge and I wish I could explain succinctly what my experience is as a traditional surrogate, but the words are failing me.