The IUIs both went well. The usual midwife/naturopath did the one on Saturday evening, and her new midwife partner did the one last night. She needed someone to practice on, so she can do back-up for IUIs, and apparently I'm a great person to practice on since they both said that I have a beautiful, easy to find, and open/fertile cervix. Yay, me! Nothing like getting compliments on your lady bits.
I'm not going to be using the third vial of sperm this time around. I talked it over with the midwife and she advised that since I got my temperature spike a little earlier this time, it would be a waste to use the third vial. My temperature spike happened on the 5th of this month and the ideal time for it to spike would be about the same day as the LH surge and that didn't happen this month, so she will send the other vial back.
We wait again. As I wait this time I reflect on some fears that have come up...all things you would expect the birth mother/surrogate to think of at some point. Part of this is probably because I have had months to ponder all of this as we try for a pregnancy. The other thing is I felt really sad and depressed this last time when I wasn't pregnant, and those feelings/fears carried over for a couple weeks. An underlying sadness or realization that birth and death are infinitely connected. That I have this body during this life and I hope I'm using it to the best of my ability. That I could die in childbirth...and then realized maybe more than that I'm wondering if a piece of me will die as I give this baby to my good friends. This baby who is a piece of me. As I watch my boys grow up I wonder, "will this baby look like them? Like me?" The fear of birthing again. The unknown of pregnancy, labor and birth, postpartum. The fear of an emergency c-section when both of my boys were born vaginally. All these realizations about who I am and why I'm doing this and how I haven't broken yet...through everything I've gone through in my life, I'm still here. I'm still empowered. This is still my choice and I'm still choosing it. I want to have this baby for Lisa and Brooks. I want to be on this journey. I want to see how it will change me, make me grow, show me what I can do, what I can give...all this love that I hold. I'm still saying, "Yes."
No comments:
Post a Comment