Little Swimmers

The first IUI (intrauterine insemination) day on Friday, didn't seem to affect me much. Besides these few thoughts 1)This was a new experience for me, so I was slightly nervous. 2) I hadn't had any sperm in me in years (so it felt like a strange foreign substance for a few hours). 3) I was worried about how supportive my partner would be since she didn't seem very excited that it was my first insemination and she didn't come along with Lisa and I (because she had to work), but she also didn't call or text to say good luck. Hmmm... However, judging by Lisa's post on her blog http://spiritualsurrogacyblog.com/ that day, it was clear that I was not the one feeling the fear or worry about what this could mean if I actually got pregnant. No. That came the day after. 

Saturday morning was okay. I enjoyed a filling, healthy breakfast at Old Town with Michelle, Lisa, and my oldest son, Milo. And later on knitted in the sunshine on my porch waiting for Milo's dad to pick him up so the boys could all enjoy the library and I could get to the midwife's office with Lisa and Michelle. I felt like I really had to push to get Michelle to come along with us, but it was very important to me to have her see what I was going through and to have her physically and emotionally support me through this process. I didn't really understand why she didn't want to come along, other than that she said she always thought we'd get pregnant like that when we had a baby. And my thought was, "Sure! WHEN we want to have a baby together, to raise, that's what we'll do." We hadn't talked about having a baby together NOW, so I supposed she had separated those two things in her mind, like I have. Apparently not, and being at this appointment made her feel very uncomfortable. Which was hard for me to see since I so badly wanted her full support and presence there with me. 

The procedure went fine. Quicker than the day before. Lisa took a picture of me smiling with a thumbs up while I spent the 15 minutes with my legs in the air letting the little swimmers aim for their target. 

I was having that elated feeling again...but there was something more. A sudden realization that this could be the month. Here we were, preparing for a few months worth of IUIs, when this month could be the only one needed. And then I would slowly watch my belly grow, and at some point feel movement, and talk to it, and realize this baby was more connected to me than I could imagine right now. This baby had my DNA, my love, my womb to call home. Then we started talking about what the due date would be if I got pregnant this month. The midwife got out her little EDD dial and said, "February 8th!" Interesting, since when the idea first came I had mentioned to Michelle that I had a feeling the baby would be an Aquarius, like me. It all became huge. I knew it was huge before, but at that point I wasn't laying on a table with sperm in my body searching for my egg. 


Next we started talking about ultrasounds (I had chosen not to have any during my pregnancy with Felix). Since this baby is for someone else, they get to make a lot the final decisions on what happens, and I trust them since they are my good friends. However, when Lisa said she would like to have one ultrasound to make sure the baby is okay and to find out the sex so she could decorate for it, I got this sinking feeling. I would have to see the baby before birth. Bonding. I know that I'll bond, but I felt so vulnerable thinking about it. A thought crossed my mind...I could just plug my ears and close my eyes during the ultrasound. But that would be crazy, right? Why was I so worried? Knowing the sex would make me think about the baby in possibly more concrete terms. Not just this moving being, this spirit with a body inside me. It would be baby so and so. A boy. A girl...a person to see on a monitor. A baby to coo at. It was an overwhelming thought. I held in my tears until I got home. They didn't last long. 


And I'm okay. It'll all be okay. I am looking forward to this journey AND it's okay for me to have a range of fears and emotions come up. I express them, and move on. By talking them out, I give them a voice and feel that I can heal them and be known by the people I love most.