The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

The dreams started weeks before she called. This very strong feeling in waking life, that my body wanted to become pregnant, to carry and nurture another life. The issue though, was that logically, I didn't want another child to raise. Not right now. Milo (8) and Felix (5) are my intended children who provide me with plenty to take care of. I love them deeply and am very dedicated to their growth and happiness. My life is full and the thought of raising another child right now was not a puzzle piece that fit, so it must be something else. These dreams were evolving. First just pregnancy dreams. I was just pregnant, or could feel a little being inside of me and then a couple of nights before Lisa called, a much more vivid dream came upon me. I had just given birth to a child. A beautiful homebirth of a healthy, vivacious baby. But this baby was not intended to be mine. I loved the baby, had nurtured it in my womb, given a spirit the life it had chosen here, on earth, and this baby was not mine. Sure genetically it was tied to me. My heart, my body loved this child, but it was planned for, meant for another family to raise. In this dream, the baby was about three weeks old. I was breastfeeding it on a park bench with a very close friend by my side, though I couldn't make out her face. The sun was shining and we were watching my boys play. A woman I didn't know came up to me and remarked on how beautiful my baby was. I said thank you, and then tried to tell her about how it was, but wasn't my baby, as I unlatched the nursing infant from my breast and placed it in my friend's arms. It's her baby. This little one I had given birth to was never intended for me, besides to provide it with a home inside me for a while; to grow and then go to a couple who have wanted a baby so badly and have been trying for years to conceive. 

When Lisa called I knew it would be about a baby, a pregnancy. And I knew she'd have a question for me, but I wasn't sure exactly what the question would be. As I listen, I hear that she and Brooks are at the end of their rope. They've tried for years now and they have started talking about other options for having a child. They both feel that I am the best choice for a birth mother, a surrogate. She said they didn't want to go through all the drugs to try to harvest her eggs, to get me to ovulate at the right time, etc. But had decided that if I had a “yes” around it, they would like to inseminate me, using my egg, when I was naturally ovulating. They wanted to use the IUI procedure and start the process as soon as I was ready. I had goosebumps during our whole conversation. An undeniable “yes” kept coming up for me. 

It took a couple weeks of chatting with other friends and family about this huge decision, getting various responses, and going through some fears of my own, and others, before I came back up to the surface with my “yes”. Brooks and Lisa also flew me out to Colorado from Northwest Washington with my partner, Michelle, so that the four of us could talk over this huge life changing decision in person. It felt perfect to be there. Divinely orchestrated and part of something much bigger than all of us. This baby wants to be born into a big family. We are all helping create a larger community. The family structure of the future. Integrated family that has a big love for each other and is tied by so much more than DNA. Lisa and I had talked about how this baby is not “yours” or “mine”, it's everybody's baby. It will be raised by a village of people who love it and want to see it grow and follow it's heart. 

I am honored to be asked such a question. To be trusted so much, as to carry a baby intended for a family states away from me. And even though the physical distance is far, I feel that our hearts, our spirits, are so close. We are connected. It is part of our journey during this life. This little being will be bringing us together for the rest of our lives. I'm ready to build a family with and for my wonderful friends, Lisa and Brooks. I'm ready to have this pregnancy grow my relationship with Michelle and my own two children. I'm ready to see what new doula clients this experience will bring to me. I'm ready with heart open and arms spread out wide, to be a vessel of love, a bright light, that is continuing on my divine path and trusting that all with be taken care of in due time. I'm ready. 

Let's make a baby!