Feelings vs. Words

Michelle and I met with our doula for the "first time" yesterday. I've know her for years in the birth community, so we are already quite familiar, but it was new to be on the other side in a way. I'm so used to being the one that goes into my client's homes and asks them about their intentions for their births and their feelings and fears, and now I'm the one being asked these questions. I've gotten so used to talking with other pregnant women about what they need, it's a reality shift in a way to remember that I have needs, fears, intentions, hopes around this pregnancy and upcoming birth. That I am the one who is pregnant now. I'm relieved, in a way, that I have the emotional, physical, and spiritual help from a doula who is there to just support me in whatever way I need. I think it will be really helpful to have her experienced and patient manner in the birth setting and also during our last prenatal to get all five of us on the same page about what birth may be like with what feels like two sets of parents, at times. And I'm sure her support and listening will be important for me to process the feelings that come up postnatally. 

I've noticed new feelings coming up since I've started feeling baby move and my belly is visibly growing more. Apparently the little one is about the size of an apple now. I think because this is a traditional surrogacy, and not a surrogacy through IVF with no direct biological connection, I may have more feelings of maternal/instinctual origin. I have wondered how this will come up through out pregnancy and birthing. There are seemingly conflicting feelings at times that are hard to explain. I am still happy that I am a surrogate and not wanting a newborn to care for for years to come after this sweet little baby is born. However, I also love the fluttering of it's movements and feel protective of it's environment. Often putting my hands on my belly and talking to the baby. I especially like to explain things that are happening when it's just the two of us. It's little spirit is gentle and comforting...I don't know how to explain it. I like to talk with him (possibly her) when we are driving home from births, especially in the middle of the night. Processing what we just witnessed and talking about what knowledge we can take from each one, maybe to help make this birthing process more fulfilling and easier for both of us. It's like giving him a crash course in birth for 9+ months before we embark on the journey ourselves. The balancing of these feelings of deep connection with this little person, and the recognition that there is a whole village and two other parents that will be raising this baby is kind of mind-blowing at times. It's hard to break it down, and I''m not sure it can be broken down into words or specific feelings. It's teaching me so much about parenthood, love, connection, and the raw truth that is human experience. I've been tearing up as I type most of this because the feelings at times seem so huge and I wish I could explain succinctly what my experience is as a traditional surrogate, but the words are failing me.